My Country Quest

Melancholy Musings

2007-08-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

I should really go back and see how many times I've blogged here and have included the word "melancholy" to describe my mood. Ugh. And it's not lack of faith but more likley TOO much faith. Pushing uphill, following a dream, dragging less-than-excited children behind, fighting the demons who would love to see me trip and fall... all this with the belief firm in this thick head of mine that I WILL SUCCEED. Maybe not as the world views it, or even the modern church, but I will not be cast down. I will not lose. WHen the day is done and I rest at last, I believe I will look back and see that the path I wore down for future generations was a good one. Rocky... hard... but a good one. I pray that in that day I will look back and sit beside the Lord and he will say "Well done." :-) I hope. I have faith. I believe.

Still, I'm tired. The fight is a hard one, the journey long and often lonely. Not many understand what I'm about and not many can I even share the vision with. What am I saying? Perhaps 2 people int he entire world actually understand what I'm working towards and what I dream of accomplishing with my life and my children's lives. Frustrating. And maddening. And I'm tired today.

Looks like we have found a bigger house to move into, more land, out in the country. More than I could have imagined ever owning. It is my inheritance... my hill of Zion... my dwelling place. More than an address. I sense that. More than just a place to sleep at night. And I'm not over-spiritualizing it either. God's hand is the ONLY way I ended up with this new place for the price I got it at. It is unheard of. Only God's hand won it for me. I am coming into that "place of abundance" Jehovah-jireh promised so many months ago... and it is beautiful. And lots of work. :-) And I'm tired. I'll post pictures as soon as I get them. Hopefully this weekend.

Sorry to whine at you all. It is a blog afterall. You can't always come away encouraged from my ramblings. :-)

Paths

2007-05-30T03:52:00.000-07:00

deep dark oceans of sweat and tears
towering mountains of crippling fears
I traveled over and through and between
and on my Friend's hand I learned to lean

valleys and fountains they dotted my way
and ravens did feed me by night and by day
there were moments of light when the storms did cease
and I glimpsed that fair land: the city of PEACE

woefully inadequate were my walking shoes
beginning again another path I would choose
but this piece of travel belonged only to me
and another man's map it could not me lead

I view now a new path on up ahead
and though I can't tell where this one has led
I do know the mountains and oceans to swim
will serve to mold me and bring me to Him

Long Time

2007-05-30T03:44:00.000-07:00

I hadn't realized how long it had been since I posted anything! SO much going on here. Work, work, work....

I'm still home with the children on a daily basis, still attempting to homeschool though I admit the past school year has been pretty much a wash-out in terms of our original goals. We learned more about communication, dealing with hurts, re-evaluating EVERYTHING. That stuff takes TIME! :-) Anyhow.... Austin is working a summer job in construction - it has been good for him. He is resolved to get serious about school this fall so he can get a job that 1)pays better and 2) realizing he will be old "someday" with education he can work something that is not so physically demanding. hehehehe

I am still plugging along on the midwifery studies, and my EMT course begins in August. I'm nervous about that because it has been SO long since I was in school. YIKES.

The other children are all doing ok. It is still hard somedays. Abby cried yesterday, wondering why "everyone else has a Daddy" and she doesn't. What do I say? I tell her she still has a Daddy, but she is very astute. For all practical purposes she does NOT have one. No one to tickle her at night, tell her she's pretty, take her out for ice cream. Luke asked me just last night "Do all daddy's go away sometimes?" No Luke. Not all Daddy's do.

I am praying about finding some sort of work. I can't seem to shake this inkling that I will be needing some extra money in the near future. That I should make some sort of short term goal for meeting out physical needs. Right now we're ok, but the future is looming dark ahead right now. So pray if you read this, that God would be in ABSOLUTE CONTROL (like He isn't already!) of any decisions I make regarding work/future plans.

Love you all.

The Life of a Boy

2007-04-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

catching fishes and frog legs
.22 shells and powder kegs...
this is the life of a boy

dirty grins and jars of bugs
sneaking cookies and rootbeer mugs...
this is the life of a boy

having a rabbit's foot for luck
grown-up playthings and buying a truck
this is the life of a boy

favorite jeans and going to proms
killing the big buck and driving to Mom's
this is the life of a boy

admitting he's wrong and making a show
kissing the girl or letting her go
this is the life of a boy

working hard and being a slob
best friends and bass boats ~ that first great job
this is the life of a boy

swimming in summer and playing in snow
shaving his whiskers and letting them grow
this is the life of a boy

knowing he's worth all of his pay
finding arrowheads and a wife someday
this is the life of a boy.

Mother's Manifesto

2007-04-26T06:51:00.000-07:00

Always smile and be impressed when your son brings you wildflowers.

Blame the sneeze on the neighbors cat.

Never make a joke about his accomplishments - keep his bragging rights intact.

Gently rebuke him if he uses a bad word, reminding him that his speech is a large part of how the world will measure him.

Give him a hammer and nails, cardboard and glue, a hole punch and stapler - and take pictures of whatever he builds.

Never lie to him, no matter how hard the truth is.

Always trust him with the biggest responsibility he can handle.

Challenge him, encourage him, cheer him on.

Reward him openly for a job well done.

Read to him the most exciting, most adventurous stories you can find, and encourage him to live life BIG when he grows up.

Tell him Bible stories, but leave the "moral lessons" for the Holy Spirit to teach.

Just excite him with the reality of life with Jesus.

Be a living example of the qualities you wish to teach him.

Work hard, tell the truth, keep your word, be noble and trustworthy.

Be the woman you want him to find for a wife someday.

Let your daughter be everything God created her to be.

If it's a scientist or a pianist or a mother of many sons, let her BE.

Tell her she's pretty at least once a day.

And make sure she has at least one dress she LOVES to wear.

Teach her to cook whatever she wants.

A souffle' is NOT too hard for an 8 year old to make.

Let it be her specialty.

Make matching aprons and sundresses, and cloud paint with her in the summer time while you lie in the summer grass.

Teach her to dream big, hold her hand when she jumps and when she falls, then help her get up and try again.

Hang out laundry together, listening to her chatter about her latest project, latest picture, latest best friend, and babydolls.

Never say she talks too much.

A girl has thousand's of words to speak everyday.

Just like a woman does. Be there to listen.

Trust her with a lion's share of responsibility and chores. She will be a mother someday.

Teach her to love Jesus, not because she SHOULD but because she sees you contentedly loving Him.

Be the wife, mother, sister, friend, neighbor that you wish her to be when she grows up. Let her see it in you.

Don't preach, nag, whine, threaten or guilt-trip to try to illicit good behavior from them.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Smile alot. Remember what it feels like to be a child.

Surrender

2007-04-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

I know I have spoken of this often on here - or at least eluded to it - but the most difficult lesson for me to learn has been that of surrender. Not surrender as in a battleground surrender. Not one of defeat or a melancholy loss. But a surrender like that kind you feel when you're in a hot tub. The "every muscle relaxed" kind of surrender. Let the current in that river take you where it will and determine to enjoy the view along the way - that kind of surrender.

I remember last summer quite vividly when things were not going well in my marriage. We had tried everything, I had tried everything, I had sought counsel to no avail, nothing was working. I was hopeless. I sat in the back yard, crying my eyes out over the pain of it all, and I had a vision. Now I know, some people don't believe in visions and such, and that's fine. I still know I had one. :-) It lasted only a second. I was up to my neck in a river. The white-water kind of river with my body flailing out behind me as the water tried to pull me in. I saw my terrified face as I grasped to the stony edge. I heard the Lord say, "Let go."

"But I'll drown! This river will kill me!"

"Let go."

"But I can't! The kids need me! I won't give up Lord! I can't!"

"Just let go."

So I did, and instantly the water calmed and I saw myself floating peacefully down a strong current still, but now on my back staring up into the blue blue summer sky, enjoying the clouds as they floated by above me. I was at peace, I was relaxed. I let go. I surrendered. I awoke in my Adarondak chair a bit later still in my backyard, the summer sun smiling down on me. And BOY has it been a RIDE since I surrendered! But it's the kind I want to buy a t-shirt for to remember the occasion! Exhilerating! Scary! Take-my-breath-away shocking at times. But surrendered.

God does not call us to commit emotional suicide in the name of "Christianity" or "being a good wife" or even "being a good mother". He calls us to surrender those emotions. Stop fighting them. They are there. Accept them. Look at them. Taste them, touch them, accept them, understand why they are there. Often they are there as weapons of warfare. Meant to cause our demise or at least wound us. When I let go and look them full in the face I can see them for what they are. Kindof like that shadow on the wall at midnight that looks JUST like a crouching thief but when investigated turns out to be nothing more than a sofa cushion? Yeah. Like that.

So pick up that fear, that pain, that depression. Pick it up like a rock you stubbed your toe on. Taste it. Smell it. Shine the Light on it. Then let go and float on down your river. I promise you ~ the ride will be more than you ever dreamed it could be.

Joy In This Morning

2007-04-18T05:10:00.000-07:00

“Joy comes in the morning” the old hymn says. And it certainly has today. It’s 7:12 am and I feel as though I am weightless. Completely carried by something bigger than myself.

You know those little girls you see... every spring? Holding hands and wearing bracelets and wreaths of dandelions all over them? And they dance and sing in a circle until they all fall down? Giggling?

That’s me. It’s a beautiful day because I’m alive. I need no other reason to find my joy today.

Speaking of dandelions, the bane of any yard manicurist’s existence, I love them. They are “weeds” by all accounts and purposes. Yet they shoot up, defying someone to spray them dead or perhaps knowing they will be and choosing to shine out their goldenness anyway. If you look at them though, in-depth like I am prone to, you see that they have an amazing ability to bloom where they AREN’T planted. They bloom wherever they take a notion to! Of course they come from seeds, but no purpose-ness has chosen to place them right THERE or over HERE other than the whim of the wind. And if anyone takes the time to really see them it is noticed that they are quite tasty deep fried in a batter like fried green tomatoes! Lots of nutrients in them, the “hairy” factor goes away in the grease. And you remember don’t you? Picking up that dandelion seed head thingy (sorry for such an unscientific name) and smiling, making a wish and BLOOOOOWING? Watching until you can’t see the little umbrellas anymore as they make their way across the world? Even in their demise, whether it be in a pot of bubbling grease or on the wind as a puff-ball of seeds, they spread joy.

Lord, let me be a dandelion today. :-)

Flying

2007-04-18T05:00:00.000-07:00

this simple life - the life of ease
floats all about me on the breeze

like maple seeds in early spring
just let go and see 'em take wing

What Does God Require?

2007-04-18T04:53:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I came across a list of the 49 commands of Christ. I thought, ‘Wow! That’s awesome! Now I can know exactly what it is that God requires, and I can teach it to my children!’ Yes. It is an awesome resource, and I am amazed that even though I came to know the Lord at 7 years old, I was unaware of some of them. So I’ve learned a lot. But I am in a new season now - one of complete dependence, of SIMPLICITY, of ease?, of trust, of LETTING GO. Because my human-ness is such a dead-weight. My personality is contrary to this "surrendered life". (More on that below). Then a month ago the Lord led me to this verse in my time with Him. And it sums up what it is He wants me to “know” in my head about serving Him.

What can we bring to the Lord? What kind of offerings should we give Him?

Should we bow before God with offerings of yearling calves?

Should we offer him thousands of rams and ten thousand rivers of olive oil?

Should we sacrifice our firstborn children to pay for our sins?

No, O people, The LORD has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

~Micah 6:8

Some might say (and I did) that to “do what is right” we must be in the Word, digging it out, charting our course, planning against attack, etc. etc. Yes and no. Yes because the Word of God is a living 2-edged sword, one we need to be fully capable of wielding during a time of spiritual attack as well as during the daily mundane. No, because the life He calls us to, or at least the one He has called me to, is one of surrender. Complete reliance everyday on Him. Even in knowing what it is that is “right”. And for me, my head gets in the way of doing that. My personality is to research, to dig, to plan, to prioritize, to HUMANIZE the whole process of following after God.

A friend shared a testimony she heard of a woman who recently passed on. She said, “You know, I get up every day and say, ‘Lord, this is Harriet. What are we going to do today?’ “ That’s what I want to say. Every day. That is “doing what is right”. Not offering blood sacrifices or offering up my firstborn children’s lives, or any of the other self-pleasing methods I have employed in the past in my endeavor to “serve God”.

And oh how I love mercy! One reason is because I need it so desperately! There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t mess up ROYALLY and need pardoned. I frequently echo the words “Be merciful unto me O God, a vile sinner.” Mercy is one of my favorite attributes of God! It is something I truly seek to offer others too, probably too often as I tend to overlook faults to the point of idiocy (some would say) ! But I don’t share that sentiment. Mercy is something one can never have too much of. Of course knowing that mercy doesn’t always mean handing out a “Get Out of Jail Free” card helps temper my understand of what mercy IS and how to walk that out.

As for walking humbly with my God - goodness, how could I walk any other way? Yet I know, just by really believing that I am walking humbly before God means I’m probably NOT. Hehehe That statement “I AM humble” generally signals a splinter of pride digging in somewhere. So I won’t say “I’ve got this one down. Look at my life!! How could I NOT be humble?” I will say rather that I TRY to get this one down. Everyday.

This verse reminds me so much of the other scriptures in the New Testament where Jesus really brings it home for us. It’s like he’s saying, “Keep it simple, Stupid. Don’t try to create a methodology out of it. Don’t try to create a program. Just keep it simple. Because it is. If it weren’t we’d still be doing the blood sacrifice/priests in fancy robes/thick curtains/keeping you from Me routine.”

Ok. I think I get it now. Goodness, God is working on me. I have the shavings lying about at my feet to prove it. :-)

Perfection Revealed

2007-04-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

Human perfection is, by it's very nature, base and defiled. It stands in the limelight of idoltry's glow and says, "I did it. I arrived. Look at me. Aren't I great? Aren't you proud of me?" And despite the fact that it doesn't even exist, it puffs itself up with each pat on the back. "I worked very hard at achieving this." it says.

Achieving what?

For where is perfection apart from Christ?

And where is success except at the foot of the Cross?

All of my "accomplishments" (and I am hard pressed to think of ANY at the moment) are dust rags. You know the kind? The old socks that are stained and full of holes and otherwise usless for anything but picking up dust? My very best is only "good" on the surface. Look deeper and you'll find something lacking. No doubt. And it is only visibly "good" because of the grace of God towards me, a vile sinner. I AM NOTHING in myself, but through the amazing love of God, I AM EVERYTHING He wants me to be.

Because you see, and I am learning, I have alot to offer the world. I have alot to offer my family, my friends, my grocery check-out lady, my postman, my neighbor. I have alot to offer BECAUSE I AM HERE. God PUT me here, so I must have something to give. And I am resolved and SURE, for the first time in my life, that the people who know my will be glad they do someday. Granted, it takes a special type of person to be touched by me and not repulsed or shocked or otherwise appalled by me sometimes, lol. Because it is surely not because of what I can do or can't do, regardless of my "accomplishments" or "achievements" but for the simple fact that Jesus reached down, picked the dirtiest, most hole-filled sock in the pile and decided to use it. And when He picks something up to use, you can be sure that He will "accomplish that good work" which He begins.

:)

I can't wait to see what He does with me.

Resurrection Sunday

2007-04-11T05:40:00.000-07:00

It was 6:10 am as I sat down in the back row at my brother and sister-in-law's church Easter Sunday morning. It had been quite an ordeal getting everyone ready and there even close to "on time". Abby lost a shoe, Austin couldn't find his church shirt, etc. When I woke my 6 year old up he said, rather gruffly, "What are we doin'?"

"We are going to chuch honey. Remember?"

"This is crazy. It's still dark outside. God's not up yet."

Hmmm... point taken. hehehehe

We all shuffled into the over 100 year old building, sat down in the back row and began singing along with the hymns. Several things struck me, the chief being the timelessness of Sunday morning Easter services. Everybody is in their "best", little girls hair is curled, flowers poking out of buns, little white gloves on some of them. The boys shuffling and pulling on ties, the women breathing shallow because of girdles and being self-concious as the first of spring dresses show their winter "stores". The men, some still vaugely sleeping, trying to be interested, some obviously moved by the importance of the day, the teens looking for counterparts through sideways glances and blushing cheeks as one and all try to keep their minds on the sermon.

I tried to picture the church 100 years ago. About 1907, in this farming community there would have been horses and wagons hitched and waiting on the post that still stands there for the job. Our cars waited and steamed after being driven just as the horses sides would have been heaving from their work. There was a cold draft at our feet in this old building just like there would have been 100 years ago. I pictured a wood stove in the corner pumping out heat while the older folks and babies were seated closest to it. The thermostat was mounted on the wall taking it's place, doing the same thing. I saw the preacher, then in the formal "preaching" clothes of a Methodist minister, now in a suit and tie. Different, yet the same. I saw the wooden cross that had been erected in the front yard for the occasion, which wore a purple drape of fabric on Friday, now cloaked in shining white. The belfry stood shiny white in the backdrop - the same as it had 100 years ago. The wooden pews and stained glass windows were shiny then as now, and an obvious pride in their community and their faith was on all their faces. I began to take note of the year the hymns were written, and I saw that most of them were "new" 100 years ago but were obviously classics immediately as their message spoke so eloquently of the Cross and it's work.

I watched as the mother in front of me tried to quietly evoke a smile out of her 3 year old as he reeeeally wanted to go to the bathroom or some such thing. Anything to get him out of that hard pew for a moment. She succeeed, as countless mothers have in years past. I saw an older man reach for his wife's hand during a special song, The Lord's prayer was recited, prayer requests and updates of people in the community were shared and prayed over. The same. Just the same.

There is a timelessness to the Gospel that continually amazes me. It's easy to see that basically, it has remained unchanged throughout the centuries. The message is still the same at it's core. Theologically speaking nothing has changed. The Cross is still the Gospel. But it is amazing to me too that the method of the message, at the heart is still the same as well in some churches. Community, caring, pulling together, formalities that may or may not have anything to do with pleasing God come into play ~ dependent on the culture of the people worshipping together. It amazed and humbled me to realize - to really take in and accept, that we are worshipping today much the same as the 1st century believers did. Based on community and local culture, all done through their very real faith and love of God. I could tell, then as now, that if one of those people needed anything, anytime, that group of believers would be there. Quietly, inobtrusively, they would be there for each other.

That sack of groceries would show up just in time with a note saying "God loves you." and be otherwise unsigned. The house that was hit by a tornado would be quickly covered by tarps and immediate needs of food and shelter met. The hard-working and until now self-sufficient old farmer down the road that had heart surgery last week would have his cattle fed without anyone injuring his pride by making a big "project" out of it. The new baby born a few days back would recieve gifts of blankets and rattles and tiny hair brushes. The new mother would find several casseroles on her countertop after the visiting ladies left the house. The newly widowed woman that lives next door to the church would recieve phone calls when she would rather not talk to anyone, all in the name of love. Of community, of Christ. And she would feel better. Comforted. Not alone.

Isn't that the message of the Cross? I think so.

I think so.

Everything and More

2007-03-20T01:44:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to figure out, in my mind, something that cannot be understood by this dung heap, though God does give me glimpses here and there.

It is the unfailing grace and love of God

towards wicked, depraved, sinful man.

How could God call David, a fornicator by todays standards, a "man after God's own heart"? Because He is Jehovah Tsidknu, God our righteousness! David did not lean on his own righteousness. God WAS his righteousness. He knew it, and made no pretenses about being anything other than a fallen, wicked, sinful, un-worthy man. David had no righteousness in himself. He didn't need any. God was that in his stead.

How could He love with an everlasting love Israel, who were hell-bent on disobeying and whining? An adulterous and stiff-necked people? Because He is Jehovah Jireh, God our Provider! He provided for them when their disobedience brought them into a place of want!!! He provided the love He sought from them by turning their hearts back towards Himself and forgiving AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.

How could He love me, who has never done anything lovely, never done anything worth loving when examined in the light of God's holy righteousness? Because He IS LOVE. He doesn't need us to bring anything lovely to Him in order for us to be lovely. HE IS LOVE. He brings it with him when He comes. lol I am humbled right down to the floor, my face in the dust, at His mercy, His lovingkindness, His righteousness, His GRACE.

Jesus is like the dinner guest who brings the meal with him and washes dishes when he leaves.

He is like the car you have given to you that comes with a mechanic in the trunk and a lifetime "BUY IT FREE" card from O'Reily's Automotive.

He is like the rain that sends umbrellas and flower seeds down first.

He is like roses that grow bandaids alongside the thorns.

He is the Doctor that never charges, heals everytime, and makes house calls.

He is wonderful. And yes, He does ask things of us. He asks us to "be perfect like I am perfect" for goodness sake. Who can do that? We can. Because the perfection He is requiring of us, HE GIVES US day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment.

He is no imposition.

He brings with Him - free for the taking - everything that He asks me to give Him. Like the Daddy who gives his daughter $5 to buy a Father's Day gift. Just to see her eyes sparkle as she pulls the wrapped box from behind her back.

1st Encounter

2007-03-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

Oh I am so excited!!! We just did our very first "Jesus Thing" in our little neighborhood. There are 8 families that live on our country road. Only 2 are families with a mom and dad living together, at least 2 have a history of incarceration, only 2 couple are married and the other "couples" rotate on a continual basis, with the women being the home owners. It's quite lively here!

So anyhow, the man that lives right next door introduced us to his "wife" about 2 weeks ago. A different "wife" that he lived with the whole time we've know him. Now this newest "wife" had 2 children which he introduced as "his". It's confusing. The children and I smiled politely and wondered what happened to the "old wife"! The boys said laughingly that he must have traded up or something. Then a slience fell over us = a sadness, that this is probably exactly what had happened and we began to pray for Joy (the old wife) hoping she is safe and well wherever she is. Then we began to add the neighbor and his newest wife and children to our prayers at night. Which brings us to this morning!

Abby is learning how to make muffins. She made her first batch this morning with no help from me whatsoever. They were pretty good! Except she broiled the first batch instead of setting the oven on bake. lol Those were crunchy! So there were a few muffins left over and she decided to bring them to the neighbor and invite the children over to play this weekend. It was 10:30. We knocked. He was asleep and came to the door sans shirt, apologizing for the dogs barking at our feet, etc. etc. He was surprised to see us, and when Abby told him the reason for the visit he teared up and explained that his wife and the children didn't live with him at the moment. It seems that her probation officer didn't fancy her leaving the county without his permission and so she was now under house arrest at her previous residence.

We don't know the whole situation, don't need to. It became startling clear to us, a fact which we knew but didn't know what to do about, that this man needs Jesus. Not because his life is full of "sin" and depravity, not becuase he was asleep at 10:30 and isn't working at the moment, not because his house trailer is falling in around him and he sleeps with dogs inside and who knows what else, not because his pickup truck is full of beer cans. But because his heart is broken. Abby articulated this to me better than any theologian ever could.

"Oh mama!" she said when the door closed. "He really needs Jesus doesn't he? I mean, his heart is broken and that kind of heart can only get fixed by Jesus can't it Mama?"

Yes daughter. That's the kind Jesus loves the most.

So we resolved to make a weekly trip to one neighbor on our road with either muffins or cookies, or an invitation for supper with us. This is what Jesus would have done isn't it? We've been listening to the book of Matthew and Mark and a bit of John too, and what stuck me was how unassuming Jesus was. He didn't blast through the door with fire and brimstone and beat anyone over the head with "the Gospel". He WAS the gospel. He lived it, from providing wine at a wedding feast, to healing the hurt and broken. I might not be able to heal anyone, but we can be a balm to the hurting - the hands and feet of Jesus, ministers to the ones the rest of the world has cast aside as useless.

Help us Lord. They need You. Help us be your hands and feet.

Peas & Ponderings

2007-03-13T19:21:00.000-07:00

I just came inside from planting peas. There's an interesting thing about peas. No matter how many you plant, there is never enough to put up for next year. At least not around here. I could make a meal of peas with real butter.... mmmhhmmm!!!

The dirt was still cool to my fingertips as I pressed down and tucked in the shriveled little pea seeds. I thought of how it is when we plant seeds of faith in cold ground. Seeds of hope in sterile soil. Seeds of future in the cool chill of memories past. It never ceases to amaze me just how awesome it is to take something SO small and insignificant (have you ever tried to eat a pea seed?) and turn it into some delicious.

It's like that with God of course. Taking the ugly shriveled up messes that our lives are and tucking them into the cool earth of humanity and SOMEHOW turning it into a miracle. Right before our eyes.

I am a walking miracle. Maybe I have a limp now, maybe my head isn't held up quite so high, but I'm a miracle. You know why? Not because of anything I've done with my life. It's quite a wreck actually. You've heard of the Midas Touch? Well... I seem to have been endued with the "Muddy Touch" : everything I touch turns to mud. lol I am a miracle because the God of the Universe, My Jesus, El Shaddai Himself has come down and embedded in me the miracle of faith - the tiny seed of mustard that is growing into a plant that gives shade. That seed of righteousness that can only come to fruition through the fiery trials of this life.

I echo the words of Mary when she said to the angel, "Be it unto me even as thou wilt." Be it as You would have it Lord. Today and for all of my tomorrows, Be it unto me even as thou wilt. And that's the miracle my friends. That seed of faith - that gift from God - has taken root and is growing. Quite miraculous.

Broken Pieces, Beautiful Love

2007-03-11T18:34:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me that Jesus, my very own Jesus, can take the broken pieces of my life - the ruined pieces - the pieces that are useless to anyone else but Him - and make something beautiful out of them. I don't know what He is creating yet, nor how soon I will get to see the whole picture or even glimpses of His master plan for my life, but I see Him working on it.

And I know it's a masterpiece.

So if some of the things you read on here trouble you, or if you think I'm headed in a wrong direction on something and you are tempted to pity my "falling": By all means, share your heart with me. Let's talk. Iron sharpens iron. But know that my heart - the very soul of myself - is seeking to serve and follow Jesus like I never have before. Know that. Trust that I am following the Master. Sometimes His footprints are faint and I have to seek them out, sometimes there is a flashing marquee pointing the way for me. But I'm following close. Closer than I ever knew possible. And for the first time in my life I am EXCITED about what God has in store for me. I no longer fear the future (well, at least not much! lol) I no longer feel the need to micro-manage every detail of my life to make sure I am "right with God". I just live. I just love Him. It is so wonderful.

I didn't know loving Jesus could be this good. I really didn't. And if you don't have a clue as to what I'm talking about - pray for it. SEEK HIM. He's right there. His hand is held out, beckoning to you like a bridegroom does His bride.

"My lover said to me, `Rise up, my beloved, my fair one, and come away. For the winter is past, and the rain is over and gone. The flowers are springing up, and the time of singing birds has come, even the cooing of turtledoves. The fig trees are budding, and the grapevines are in blossom. How delicious they smell! Yes, spring is here! Arise, my beloved, my fair one, and come away.' "

~Song of Songs 2:10-13 NLT

De-Dragoning Me

2007-03-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

"Divorce is like death." all the books say. The radio personalities, the pastors, the counselors, the well-meaning friends, the professionals. But it's not. It's worse. It's sortof like walking around a funeral parlor for the rest of your life. The person (in this case the marriage) never gets buried. Yeah, you have a piece of paper that says something neat and tidy like "Dissolution of Marriage effective on this date blah blah blah." But it never really ends. You have given some of the best years of your life to someone who has cast them aside like a McDonald's BigMac wrapper. Those years don't come back.

And the pain of it all is so very real. The failure. The shame. The FAILURE is the worst for me, signaling a VERY real issue I have with PRIDE. I used to say that "Agreeing to a divorce is like saying I don't believe in God anymore. God can do anything. Even save my marriage." The tricky part for me was excepting that He might not. He wants to, His word tells me that, but there is human will involved. No matter how I'd like to lean on the Sovereignty of God for my agenda and say the HE WILL change someone's heart the way I think He should, it just might not happen. God is sovereign. People are not always obedient to the Sovereign. I didn't want to accept that, and I felt I had to take anything that was offered in order not to thwart God's will.

It's ugly. All this is messy, so very UNTIDY. See, I'm the type that likes to make lists. I rarely get to everything on them, occasionally I even lose them and don't get one thing crossed off, but I like to make them. Boy can I make a pretty, neat and tidy, impressive list! Then there is reality. lol

This divorce business was NOT on my list. Shawn had a vasectomy reversal about 18 months ago, trusting God with our family size. I had a LIST!!!! I wanted more children, I wanted a happy husband, I wanted cheerful, well-adjusted, happy and godly children!!! I wanted my house perfectly in order every minute of the day. I wanted to be the perfect "Debi Pearlite" wife and have a husband who adored me...... lol

Do you see a trend here?

I do.

PRIDE goeth before a fall. God is revealing so much pride in my life. And he is methodically "De-dragoning" me, stripping away the layers of self to reveal JESUS more fully. 'Cause He's in there. Down deep. I talk to him everyday so I know He's there. Now if only other's could see Him in me. I hope I am smaller when the experience is over.

Listen to Me Good

2007-03-08T08:04:00.001-08:00

Here is an expert from a book I'm reading for my midwifery studies. Margaret Charles Smith worked for more than 30 years as a midwife to the poorest women in her county, black and white, generally without pay of any kind. Serving God through her gifting as midwife. She generally ahd to work another job too to support herself and her sons - picking cotton, hoeing fields. She remembered the slave days, and they weren't that long ago. Certainly they did not end in Alabama with the Emmancipation Proclaimation. An excellent read for first-person historical narrative - even if you have no interest in midwifery. And a perfect example of community and service as Jesus taught.

Listen to me good now, when the Lord frees your soul, you can't hold it. You got to get out, if you don't do any more than talk to the bushes and posts and things. You don't have a private religion when the Lord frees your soul. You have been forgiven of your sins. He gives you a clean heart. Some folks go to church right today to see how I can outdress you. See So-and-So, and wasn't that dress a mess she had on. Well. That ain't no way to be. You supposed to let your heart go out for the person that doesn't have it. If you could, talk to some more people. Let's do such-and-such for So-and-So. That's what God wants. That's God right there. Right there in that. He loves His children. But some folks go to church just to see if they can outdress you. They work hard and get some fine clothes and just go to church and twist, twist, twist so's you can see it. I just want to be clean and decent. I don't want to be looking like I come out the cotton patch. That's what God wants. Dress? He don't want it. Finery? He don't want it. He wants the pure in heart. Shall see God. That's right. Them's what see God.

~Listen to Me Good by Margaret Charles Smith

Spiritual Elitism vs. Simple Obedience

2007-03-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

Spiritual Elitism vs. Simple Obedience

I am living, and so are you, in a world where we take for granted that the denim-skirted-matching-homemade-jumper-clean-cut family sitting next to us in church is born again. It's infuriating to me that we view modesty and apparel as a thermometer for the condition of one's soul. Not SO. The more I see it, the more frustrated I become and the more willing I am to cast off any of the trappings of this life. Denim skirt included. Because I was a Pharisee of the Pharisees.. goodness, I still am. Listen to me rail. Sorry. But I do know that I want CHRIST. Nothing more, nothing less. And I'm willing to accept and obey Him however He wants me to. Please forgive me my rantings. I am disgusted with myself.

Now I am being told in no uncertain terms that for ME (please read that part friends) for me, wearing a skirt all the time was something I was doing to gain favor in God's eyes and mans. A badge of honor. A piece of respectibility. Something that raised my merit, my worthiness. I was trying to convince everyone around me that I WAS a godly woman. And I was trying to do it with the outward apparel. lol Funny, the scripture that says NOT to focus on outward apparel is the one I never cited in respect to clothing!!!

Whose adorning let it not be that outward [adorning] of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; ~1 Peter 3:3

I wanted to believe that I had pursued God, obeyed His every word right down to the clothes I wore. I NEEDED to believe that I had found every little thing I could find to obey and had done so to the best of my ability. And the clothes and hair was the easiest part and the one that "showed".

The energy I was putting into "looking" like God wanted me to look (or so I thought) should have been put to better use. Specifically, as outlined in the following verse:

But [let it be] the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, [even the ornament] of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. ~1 Peter 3:4

These Scriptures tell me that what I wear within the realm of modesty shouldn't amount to a hill of beans to me or anyone else. Because it certainly doesn't to God. On the same subject, I just finished reading the book about Amy Carmichael "A Chance To Die" written by Elizabeth Elliot. She was strictly chastized by her sending missions department for adopting native clothing. Not only did it call to question her respectability (no corset for goodness sake!) but also her obedience to authority as a woman AND a missionary. She found no scriptural reasons to maintain Victorian fashion in the heat of India, nor did she find it to be in any way beneficial to her calling there as a missionary. Quite the contrary.

There, as here, there was a stigma attached to English dress. They stood out, were easily identified as "missionaries" and thus the lost they were trying desperately to reach closed their hearts to them. BECAUSE OF THEIR DRESS. They perceived that the missionaries held themselves loftily above them. And many many of them did. This perception closed many doors to the gospel. And many of the doors were closed by "acceptable and Christian attire" that the missionaries wore.

Of course I'm not trying to simplify the issue of reaching native cultures by delegating all of the problems to fashion. Not at all. There were a great many things that hindered the Gospel message then as they do today, the simplest of which is choice of apparel.

What I am saying is that Amy was not afraid to break ranks, to be radical, to slip quietly and unobtrusively into the midst of the lowest of lowlies. She could NOT have done this dressed in over 20 pounds of English costume. Practically or theologically, it would have been wrong and unfruitful for her to have tried. In fact she did. It was quite a long time before she switched over her entire wardrobe to the sari.

But when she did. Look out world!! What blessings and miracles began to flow through her fingers into the hands of the outcasts!!! Obviously, her change of clothes didn't effect this change. Her change of heart did. Her change of "I have an agenda." to "I will obey." changed everything.
And I want to see miracles and reach the lost in my little circle as well. Just as radically as Amy Carmichael or Elizabeth Elliot, or Mary Magdalen, or any of the other women in history who served in their communities through their simple acts of kindness and obedience to the Holy Spirit's leading and His Word.

Let me not be guilty of keeping tradition at the cost of keeping the commandments of God.

Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching [for] doctrines the

commandments of men. For laying aside the commandment of God,

ye hold the tradition of men, [as] the washing of pots and cups:

and many other such like things ye do. And he said unto them,

Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep

your own tradition. ~Mark 7:7-9

Jesus, Friend of Sinners

2007-03-07T16:14:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: I’m going to preface this little essay by making a couple of disclaimers. One) I’m not preaching to you. I’m talking to myself, or rather, regurgitating what Jesus has been telling me lately. So if you take offense at me personally, dig deeper. Get out the Scriptures, pray, seek God. Then feel free to throw tomatoes if you want to. I’m a really good spaghetti sauce maker. ;) Two) I am realizing the amazing ability God has of custom-creating an educational program for each one of us. So if this course I’ve been assigned doesn’t fit your needs, please show grace and allow it to be as it the Lord intended it: for ME. Now… with no further ado…

Jesus said, “Be ye holy, even as I am holy.” If holiness was illustrated in the life of Christ, and none of us will argue his holiness, what did Jesus do while he was here? While he was in the flesh? He was known as the “friend of sinners”. He was ridiculed for that, cast out by the religiously pious leaders of his community, frowned upon. Tongues clicked as He walked by, heads shook. Only the lowly and destitute, the really AWFUL people saw Him for what He was and loved Him. For He was and IS the bodily, flesh and blood epitome of GRACE and LOVE. And that was something the church of Jesus’ day had failed miserably to show them. I am of the opinion that many of us, I at least, have failed in that endeavor as well. I am resolved to be right where Jesus would be if He were walking the earth today. Among the lowly. The cast-offs. The lost and undone. Jesus was holiness in the flesh. And I want to be holy - to keep that command to be holy. So I have to look deep into what holy IS. It’s not what I thought.

In all of my “well-doing” as home school mom, Proverbs 31 Wife-Wanna-Be, I forgot the most important call on my life. To show God’s love and grace to anyone and everyone who would hear it. And I’m ashamed to admit that I was so busy trying to create perfect, cookie-cutter children, molding their flesh and not their hearts, that I didn’t show these things to them either. I delegated “ministry” to men. I sat back on my laurels and consoled myself that making myself, my appearance, appear holy I could be a witness. No. I was wrong. Dead wrong. And I’ll tell you why.

The harder I tried to “look holy” or set-apart, look like a “light” , etc. the more I lose credibility with the world as a bringer of light. Either I’m a light or I’m not. Why am I trying so hard to “look” like something? The world isn’t fooled. Doesn’t matter at all whether I’m a candle, an incandescent light bulb or a florescent tube. If I am in Christ and have His light, then I’ll shine. I will attract the bugs. (sorry, couldn’t resist) The package doesn’t matter unless it dims my light. And I don’t think pants dim my light. In our culture, often I am finding, dresses do with regard to drawing sinners to myself so I can share that light.

When I ask an unbeliever (or someone who we judge to be an unbeliever based on their lack of church attendance) why they don’t want what “I” have. I am finding that many of them already have Jesus. They just don’t want the church. They don’t want the hypocrisy, the fake, the money hungry, the power-plays. Good for them. Jesus and His first disciples didn’t want the modern church either. They don’t want to see a woman in a dress and head covering yelling at her children (not that anyone I know does that) or ignoring and belittling her husband and then have that same woman try to pretend to be “holy“. No amount of calico, long skirts or batiste headgear can cover up the hypocrisy. Often, I am finding, people aren’t rejecting Christianity. Not at all. They are rejecting the church as it exists today. And I was doing more harm than good by trying to stand out, be a “silent witness”. Bunk. Where is that in Scripture???

See, here’s the problem with trying to “look holy”.

People don’t buy it. It’s just too hard of a sell. No one is that “pure”. That “untouched” by the world. No one. Jesus surely wore the clothing of His day, as did the women he was in contact with. Modesty was an issue then, there was prostitution then, and homosexuality, and cross-dressers and pimps. It wasn’t any prettier of a world that Jesus walked into then it is today. Yet he spent all of his time on matters of the heart. Not the flesh. I find it interesting that Jesus didn’t give one sermon on how to dress. Specifically. No. He didn’t. Modesty yes, pants vs. skirts? NO.

The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man,neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so [are] abomination unto the LORD thy God.

~Deuteronomy 22:5

When I quoted this Scripture (the only one I could find actually) for the “dresses only” argument…BOY! Forgive me LORD!!! I was so WRONG!!!! It is talking about men dressing as women! And women dressing as men! Transvestites!!! Because traditionally in Hebrew culture, men wore skirts. There are roughly a dozen references to men’s skirts. So according to this argument … logically, I am sinning by wearing a skirt!!! And even if one interprets it as is commonly done, then, it could be said that it is part of the old covenant. So do we really want to go there? I can’t even pretend to never eat pork again… goodness. What would I do without bacon? J Can’t obey one without obeying them all can we? (see James 2:10) I think, if it were important to Jesus, He would have told us. Don’t you? He had bigger fish to fry. People were going to hell. Not because of their clothes for goodness sake, nor even of their lifestyle. But because of their HEARTS being far from Him. And I have bigger fish to fry too, since I’ve been hit upside the head with the frying pan (lol).

So there you have it, MY MYTH #1 debunked. I don’t have to wear anything specifically, as long as it is modest, because Jesus judges my heart if He judges anything, not my denim skirt. Don’t panic, my dear dresses-only friends. I honor and accept and respect your position. And I would not for a second try to influence your conviction on the matter. That is the HOly Spirit's job. Not mine. I’m just sharing MY journey here. Not yours. I’m not pointing fingers. Truly. And don’t expect to see me in Levi’s anytime soon. I was raised Pentecostal for pity’s sake. lol But I no longer have an illogical and unproven reason for guilt over wearing them if I choose to. And I am toying with the possibility that they (dresses) may even hinder my ability to share the light if I wear them for the reasons I was wearing them for.

-------------------

Grace-ful Musings

2007-03-03T04:55:00.000-08:00

Just some poems I wrote down about grace and this wonderful world I am waking up to. Of course none of them are very good, but I thought I'd share. Often I can express myself better through a bit of rhyme. ;o)

all about grace i thought i knew

and rode the wind that the holy spirit blew

but i find i sat just on the edge

and the grace that i live now is new

-------------

if i answer when god calls

run into his arms to him give my all

he will carry all my hopes

and give them back in a boat that floats

--------------

He loves me ~ won't think he loves me not

petals on a daisy ~ a drink when it's hot

He's the one who loves me ~ not the one who loves me not

--------------

accept those tears

embrace the fears

jump headlong

into the years
for what comes

is no surprise

to the one

for me who died

--------------

"rest in Me" i hear Him say

yet He won't tell me

anything but today!
but then isn't that just it?

a life with christ must be

the life of complete

abandonment!!

Practicing

2007-02-22T03:23:00.000-08:00

If you've never read this book. GET IT... read it. Drink it in, swish it about in your mouth, taste it against the Word, then swallow every drop. Absolutely awesome. "It will change your life." Hate to sound like a New York Time's book reviewer here but it really is a "must-read" if you seek to follow Christ.

The Practice of the Presence of God with Spiritual Maxims

by Brother Lawrence

I'll spare you my blather and give a few quotes:

"Having found in many books different methods of going to God, and divers practices of the spiritual life, I thought this would serve rather to puzzle me than facilitate what I sought after, which was nothing but how to become wholly God's. This made me resolve to give the all for the all; so after having given myself wholly to God, that He might take away my sin, I renounced, for the Love of Him, everything that was not He, and I began to live as if there was none but He and I in the world."

"I have quitted all forms of devotion and set prayers but those to which my state obliges me. And I make it my business only to perservere in His holy presence, wherein I keep myself by a single attention, and a general fond regard to God, which I may call an actual presence of God; or, to speak better, an habitual, silent, and secret conversation of the soul with God, which often causes me joys and raptures inwardly, and sometimes also outwardly, so great that I am forced to use means to moderate them and prevent their appearance to others."

"I say again, let us enter into ourselves. The time presses, there is no room for delay; our souls are at stake. I believe you have taken such effectual measures that you will not be surprised. I commend you for it, it is the one thing neccesary. We must, nevertheless, always work at it, because not to advance in the spiritual life is to go back. But those who have the gale of the Holy Spirit go forward even in sleep. If the vessel of our soul is still tossed with winds and storms, let us awake theLord, who reposes it, and He will quickly calm the sea."

"I engaged in a religious life only for the love of God, and I have endeavoured to act only for Him; whatever becomes of me, whether I be lost or saved, I will always continue to act purely for the love of God. I shall have this good at least, that till death I shall have done all that is in me to love him."

"At any moment and in any circumstance, the soul that seeks God may find Him, and practice the presence of God."

War Over Me

2007-02-22T03:19:00.000-08:00

the demons and the angels
they wage war over me
angel's swords flaming
demon's sharpest darts directed my way

if i ever wondered
how real this god of mine is
i feel His fingertips
as He points the legions away from me

Contradictions

2007-02-22T03:06:00.000-08:00

It's so easy to accept what is in our lives. To wake up every morning and take for granted that we are living as Christians just as Christ would have us live. Especially here - our culture herein the Bible-belt has permeated every facet of our lives as women. And it seems odd to me that I never questioned things, never searched the Scriptures, never QUESTIONED. I know why I didn't though - I know now. In my heart I wanted to question but I could not. Because I wasn't ready - it wasn't time. And I didn't search Scripture about alot of things because I was afraid of finding that I would have to swim upstream. And that is tiring. Especially when the life I was already living was UPSTREAM to the world. Being a full-time mom, devoted wife, homeschooling. All of it. But I was afraid of having to swim upstream even among fellow believers. It was frightening to let lose of the shore and I couldn't do it.

There is so much I can't explain, but Christ is doing a BIG work in me. He has barely begun and yet I don't even recognize the old Kelly. I half expect to look in the mirror and see a different person. Blue eyes or something. lol And I don't understand everything He is leading me towards. Some of it seems, at a distance, so at odds with the life I lived before. Out of this knowing, this resolution, this "quest" to serve the Lord with ALL my mind ~ ALL my strength ~ ALL my life, I run into contradictions. And God said that's ok. I'll understand it better by and by. ;)

contradictions

broken asphalt

mylar balloon

bright blue skies

gath'ring gloom

broken promise

matching gold rings

roses and wine

glass shattering

contradictions

pervaid the air

leave them be and

you'll see they're fair

for these and other

unknowns you find

complete the beauty

of the divine

Changes

2007-02-20T02:50:00.000-08:00

Please accept this post as a disclaimer. And read what might follow in the days ahead at your own risk. I ambeing challenged on EVERY front. Everything I thought I knew about Jesus has been SO shallow. Sisters, we've been living in a box of our own making. God is bigger than our notions, bigger than our understanding, bigger than we could ever imagine. So from this point on, though the beauty of the mundane will likely show up occasionally, this blog is dedicated to chronicling my journey. My journey, my wide path and narrow way... God's way. So please, before you throw tomatoes or think I've gone completely over the edge promise me 2 things:

1. Read what I write here with an open mind towards the Lord. LET HIM TEACH YOU AS HE IS TEACHING ME.

2. Don't be afraid. If you come across something that can't be explained IT IS OK. Accept it, accept that God is God and you are not. And Don't Be Afraid of breaking out of the boxes you've built around yourself.

So there you go, can't say I didn't warn ya.

Valentine's Day

2007-02-14T12:53:00.000-08:00

I keep wondering if somehow, I'm missing something important. It's as if the world is suddenly in technicolor. I woke up this morning, and have been moving about in a bubble of sorts. Just out of reach of reality. Don't worry - the children are safe. lol

But all of the lies I've been living with - all of the lies that I accepted as truth - the lies I EMBRACED about myself, about marriage, about husbands and men and relationships.... all of them are dead.

R.I.P.

And suddenly the harshness of the world I was living in is gone. Reality is that love exists. It is real. Marriage can be SO much more than a cross to bear. Goodness. Though I'm sure there is an element of sacrifice in all marriages, I think that the sacrifie includes bearing one another's burdens. Not bearing both burdens alone.

So I don't know when, or how. But I am whole again and I will never live half a life again. There are hard things still to come I know. And I'm not living in a fantasy world. But there is LIFE to live. An abundant life in Christ. And I'm ready for it.

Bring it on. :o)

Ramblings

2007-02-09T03:38:00.000-08:00

Been up for a few hours, lying there on the couch (I sleep there most nights as even the twin size bed is too big and lonely). Praying, I fasted most of yesterday. God is doing big things... I see it, I know it. Yet still I wonder. My faith is SO weak. I think of what the future might or might not hold and I waver.

A lady put this up on the list I'm on yesterday. It really stuck somehow and as I meditated on it, and did my own study, the Lord revealed alot of what will get me through the days.

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."

Proverbs 31:10

"Virtuous in the strongs concordance is defined as : a force, whether of men, means, or other resources. an army, a wealth, a virtue, a strength- able, activity, a band of soldiers, a company, great forces, goods, host, might, power, riches, strength, substance, to train valiantly, valor, war worthy. Notice how none of the meanings that are used to describe the virtuous woman are the frilly, girly, ladylike descriptions that we usually associate with a homemaker! this is a woman who goes into battle for her family and does so with the power of God in front of her, behind her, and in her. this is a woman who calls on her resources that God has given her to protect, fortify, and enrich her family. she knows the world may be against God's principles but she will not let her family fall prey to that. she goes into battle against all the forces that could come against her beloved." ~ tami who is asking for help in applying this to her own life!

I feel the need to plaster this all over the walls of my house. To keep "His words and commandments always before my eyes". I fall prey to doubt and fear so easily. But why? Why? When the Lord of all Creation is at my beck and call? His hand is not shortened that He cannot deliver me. He hears the cries of the innocent. He is my rock and fortress, I will not fear what man may do unto me!!!

But like a child's playground see-saw (do they still have those old-fashioned things?) I go back and forth, sometimes moment by moment in my mind, between victory and utter defeat. What will my Lord do? What is the design He is forming out of this chaos? Because I know, as surely as I am sitting here, that He has a plan. That He will use this mightily.

Wednesday night this week I felt impressed by the Holy Spirit to visit the little country church down the road. We were members and attended there when Luke was born and a year or 2 prior to that. I was welcomed so lovingly and found out that Shawn had contacted a deacon and pastor there to testify on his behalf in our court proceedings. They assured me that they would testify but that the truth wold prevail and not to worry. They offered to pray and fast the days of the court hearings, etc. and to help in any way they could.

My prayer is this, "LORD, make me virtuous. Provide the strength and WISDOM I need to be a force to reckon with for You! Make me all you would have me be!!! Change me!!! Guide me moment by moment as I train my children valiantly and make myself worthy and ready for the WAR that wages around me."

Alot of people wonder, I'm sure, why I haven't tried to find work outside of my home. I've been selling things on ebay, doing what I can here at home, praying for opportunities, being very careful on what money is provided. But the reason I haven't gone out a sought a "job" can be summed up in one sentence:

My calling as mother and keeper at home, my annointing from the Lord, has not changed because the captain of this vessel has jumped ship.

Until HE tells me otherwise I will stay at MY post. My children may have lost a father, but they won't lose a mother too. Not because of anything I do. IF the Lord wills it, then so be it. Sign me up. But until or unless HE does it??? No. I will stay at my post, however weary, destitute and lonely I grow. Lord, give me the strength to do this thing I have worded so prettily. Because it's ugly business. Gorilla warfare. But I have my camo washed and pressed and I am dressed for war today. Help me do so for all the tomorrows that are stacked up for me.

Satuday Morning Update

2007-02-03T07:02:00.000-08:00

Goodness, I didn't realize it had been that long since I wrote an update on here! Let me see, what have we been doing...

Abby is better, turned out to be stress related and jsut an infection. We changed the antibiotic and she's fine now. (and drinking lots of kefir to replenish her tummy stuff).

It's winter and I keep thinking that I will have time to knit some more. I have picked up my needles in 2 weeks! I have a wrap for myself that I started last fall that isn't finished yet. At this rate it will be summer before it's finished. Being inside is really yucky... day after day... techinically we could get alot of schoolwork done during this cabin-time, but we spend alot of time squelching fever outbreaks instead of studying. lol Ugh. SPRING!!?!?! Where are you???

I got my first seed catalog in the mail last week so I've been planning my garden in my mind since then. Of course I'll plant too much, the weeds will grow like wildfire, and I won't put by as much as I hope to, but still. It's fun to plan. Our dairy goat kids should arrive in May so we have to get the goat complex finished by then. Err.... of course we'll have to START it before we can finish it.... hhhhmmmm.....

It's s bit cold in here. The east side of the house is still open underneath though so that's why. I haven't had the money to even buy straw bales to stack up there. Straw is really high this year. But I figure only a month more to go and we'll be out of cold weather season. The pellet stove is doing very well but it costs a mint to run. I have to buy a bag at a time sometimes with change from the car's ashtray... lol but we stay warm. God provides.

Speaking of car. It is licensed, insured, bonefide LEGAL to drive and drive it we have been! Lots of errands and counseling apopintments, etc. It so wonderful how we had so few of these things to do when I was without a vehicle and the day I got it back the phone started ringing!!! God is good.

That's all for now, I think. Lots to do before spring, and still, not much I can do UNTIL spring.

Wicked Words

2007-01-23T11:53:00.000-08:00

We have had a not-so-recent outbreak of calling names among my children. I always abhored the practice but when one of the parents was doing it, well... it was impossible to train out of the younger children in the house until now. After a few days of spanking for each offense and praying about it I came up with this idea:

It is a small bottle with a dropper in it full of apple cider vinegar. It tastes absolutely awful but does no harm. I have them swish their mouths out after a few minutes of "thinking" about what they've said in order to gt the acid away from their teeth. The label reads:

Wicked Word Medicine

Treats: lying, talking back, sarcasm, disrespect,

arguing, hateful words, calling someone names, not saying "Yes, Ma'am."

Ingredients: instruction in righteousness (non toxic and benefical to the child's health)

So far it really seems to be working. Luke especially reeeeeally tries to avoid having to have some. lol He tells the older ones, "oh! Oh! Oh! Say yes ma'am or your gonna have the wicked word medicine!!!" :o)

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

2007-01-22T11:48:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those days where absolutely NOTHING goes right? I'm sure you have. Well, here is my list of mishaps for Sunday, January 21,2007:

Actually it started at about 1am Sunday morning when I awoke to a loud CRASH beside the wood stove. I jumped up. Abby had accidently knocked over the floor lamp. Austin picked it up (he came rushing downstairs too) and we went back to bed. We woke up an hour later to the smell of heavy smoke in the house. Abby's dearest American Girl doll had met her demise. She had inadvertantly landed off of Abby's bed with her forhead leaning against the stove. RIP Dearest Doll. Joshua wishes to add "What a waste. That thing cost us $111 and only lasted a year."

We woke up to about 4 inches of snow on the ground but decided 3 weeks was longer than we were willing to go without fellowship so we ventured out to church. Our favorite radio station was out (who knows why) so we listened to another christian station. Yawn.... ended up listening to Oldies 95 all the way to church instead. :o) We needed the laughs after dealing with death so early that morning. the children didn't know I was old enough to know all the words to those songs. LOL I'm not but I couldn't convince them of that since, afterall I DID know all the words. lol (That was pretty much the extent of my teenage rebellion. Listening to classic rock & roll. lol)

Luke was like trying to hold onto nitroglycerin during church on Sunday. I had to sit down during the song service because he was so rowdy and anxious! Shawn came by Saturday to try to pick them all up for an overnight and it really set him off. Anyhow, after a couple of loud "Ow!!! You hurt me!" 's (from touching his hand) I just sat down and kept his hands on his lap and his legs still for the rest of the service. At least that was my mission for the rest of the service. I didn't succeed but I didn't give up. That counts right?

Joshua and Abby kept asking to go to the bathroom and Abby really needed to because of her kidneys hurting her so badly (we're not sure what is wrong but they are going to do a sonogram on Tuesday morning). Joshua just THOUGHT he needed to.

I left the lights on in the car that had been lent to me for the weekend so they made an announcement from the puplit about that. It was obvious whose car it was. Shuffle, shuffle.... run outside.

The service was wonderful. Translation: convicting sermon. Ouch. This pill never ceases to be bitter. PRIDE. And there was potluck dinner afterwards which, though I remembered there was on Saturday and cooked something for it, the event slipped my mind on the way out the door Sunday morning so we had to mooch.

On the way home we stopped at Wal-Mart. Abby didn't feel well so I sent Austin and Joshua in. I've done this before with no trouble at all. Well, not today. Austin apparently thought it was great fun to hit his little brother in the back of the head with a loaf of bread while standing in line. Joshua then (being shorter by 2 feet or so) resorted to gorilla warfare and tried to trip him for his trouble. Did I mention they were in the middle of WAL-MART on a busy Sunday afternoon?

My debit card was lost (by my 2 sons the day before) so I could not buy gasoline for the car until I got back into town. We didn't make it to town. After walking up the road a bit to a nearby house Austin got ahold of (guess who??) lovely Ms. Cherie Norris and the Norrismobile headed our way for a rescue. We went and bought gas but had no funnel so had to improvise with a 20oz empty pop bottle. (Gordon was impressed.) The car started and I made it to the gas station.

There I let Austin pump the gas while I went inside to write a check. I looked up as the cashier shreaked, "Oh! OH! OH! OH! OH!" to see the car rolling slowly down the parking lot. Austin was giving chase, pulling on the bumper to try to stop it. Joshua bailed out the back door... Austin jumped in in time to stop it from hitting the curb. [Dear Mr. & Mr.s Feltenstein, Your car is still in working order. Do not worry. Well, at least not much. Just pray.]

I then got home and we couldn't find the house key. I only have one so that was a slight problem. Austin climbed in another way (don't ask) and unlocked the door.

When we got inside it was quite obvious to our sense of smell that Reuben (our cute Christmas puppy **NOT**) was left lose in the house all day instead of being put in his kennel. Yuck. Lovely puppy. He left of "gifts" all over the house.

We changed clothes and had started "Project Dog Do-Do" in time to receive a call from the doctors office saying Abby is on the wrong medication for her kidney infection and to go asap to pick up a different med. We packed up into the car only to find it had a flat front tire.

So, of course there was nothing to do about that. The children payed in the snow for the rest of the evening while I creid and prayed, prayed and cried, thinking single life is NOT what it's cracked up to be.

This morning I took another look at the car tire. Hmm.... just maybe.... we found the hole - obviously from a nail - and took a short sheetrock screw. Just right! Austin screwed it in, we put air in from our air tank and drove to town to have it fixed. It was still full of air after the 11 mile trip to town. FYI, this does work in a pinch.

Oh my... I'm tired all over again just from reading through this entry for typos. If I missed any, please be kind... and pray for my brain function to return to normal soon. The children are beginning to worry. :o)

-----------------

Also, some are wondering why I'm still borrowing a car when one was so graciously given to us a week ago. Well, it is going to cost quite a bit more than I have to license it so it sits until I have the funds to buy the license and pay the title fees. "More than I have" being $3 to get me through the week. lol And I'm out of laundry soap too. lol oh well... we'll see if that marketing line for selling water filtering systems is true. "There's alot of soap residue in your clothes Ma'am since you don't have a water softener." I'll let you know.

The Latest, Greatest Moment

2007-01-18T15:05:00.000-08:00

It occurred to me that the greatest moment of my life comes each day at dawn when I wake up, make coffee, sit and read my Bible while the children filter downstairs. I get a sleepy good-morning from all of them then I start cooking breakfast.

I have the greatest children on earth. No. Really. I do. I get tired and worn out, and think, "This is exactly why God ordained 2 parents to raise children together. It takes the energy of 2 people!!!" Whew. I could use a break, I get tired, I yell a little then sit down and cry because the weight of everything I'm going through right now bears down awfully hard on me. And do you know what my children do?

Abby makes me a cup of tea. Austin comes and hugs me and says, "You just need to rest Mom. Please go sit down for a minute." Joshua takes Luke by the hand and goes off in the corner to play quietly with him. But first Luke comes up and kisses me and says, "You're my best friend Mom."

And then every morning, God's mercies are new and I wake up to be blessed again by just being "Mom" to the best kids on the planet. Spilled oatmeal, broken glasses, skinned knees, not enough money to go 'round and all. Blessed I am.

Narnian Nights

2007-01-16T19:25:00.000-08:00

I have been reading through the Narnia series (again!) each night before bed and prayers. This particular passage from "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" jumped out at me and I thought I would share it here.

Nasty Cousin Eustace has just be de-dragoned by Aslan and he is telling Edmund how it happened. He had been trying to do it himself but layer after layer of dragon skin came off with no change in his appearance.

"The the lion said - but I don't know if it spoke - 'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty near desperate now. SO I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thoguht it had done right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know - if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."

"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.

"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff off - just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker and darker, and more knobbly-looking that the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. ..."

"Smaller than I had been."

What a wonderful result of being "peeled"

by the Master!!!

Cars....

2007-01-14T03:59:00.000-08:00

No, not the movie. The real things. I have a love/hate rlationship with automobiles. While I think it would be wonderful to have a horse and buggy for driving to town in, I appreciate the warmth on a day like today while I'm driving in for a laundry soap.

I've officially been out of a car for 10 or 11 days I think and I was given one last night. Free. God is so good. I am speechless. When my friend called me to tell me a fmaily from church gave us one all I could do was laugh. God is so good.

Now I know why I never had any anxiety over it - God had it in-route all along and knew it wouldn't be a long wait! He is so good to me...

Eagles Wings

2007-01-14T03:48:00.000-08:00

"Giving power to the faint, and to the incapable He giveth strength in abundance. And youths grow faint and weary, and young men suffer and fall. But they who wait for the Lord will gain new strength, they shall mount up on wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;they shall walk and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:29-31

Not sure where this quote came from, but it was posted on the list I'm on and encourgaed me greatly:

"Eagles are unique in the kingdom of birds because they do not hide during storms... They fly toward the storms because the updrafts of the storm providethem with an opportunity to fly higher than usual. They fly toward thestorm, allowing the powerful updrafts to rocket them ABOVE the storm.Once the eagles top the storm, they soar above the clouds until thestorm is passed. Like those eagles, we should not let those fears paralize our spirits. We can soar above the storms and use their power to our advantage."

This is SO TRUE. There comes a point in every trial that one has to decide to turn upwind. To face it head on and fight... use it... redeem it... let the Lord raise you above it, or give up and give in and let it blow you up against a wall and smash you.

I will soar. The downdrafts might pull me low, the gusts might take me off balance, but I will soar.

I will soar.

Latest Creations

2007-01-11T03:50:00.000-08:00

Like a good old lady I have been prefecting my knitting skills lately. lol Here is a hand towel that I made for my kitchen. It's out of 100% cotton like I make my dishclothes out of. I am always looking for a hand towel after drying dishes. This one isn't going anywhere! I started out with a pattern but ended up doing my own thing - glorified ribbing really. At this point in my life I need mindless knitting... that is what appeals so much about it me. It relaxes me. If i'm trying to follow a pattern while teaching, or sitting in an office waiting, or etc. etc. I just end up messing it up. And that is NOT relaxing.

And here is my latest apron. I'm planning on making a ton of aprons to have at the Farmer's Market this year. This is #2. I'm not making much progress towards having a "ton" am I? lol

Wednesday Musings

2007-01-10T14:51:00.000-08:00

I still wake up sometimes and think, "This is just a dream. This can't be happening. AGAIN." But it is. And I have to get up and deal with it as best I can. It's just unreal the amount of pressure there is to be all your children have day in and day out.

I currently have no transportation. My minivan finally died. Good ridance. lol I'm not at all concerned about it. Honestly not being able to run here and there has been good for me. Good for the children. Good for my homekeeping. Our insurance through the state provided transportation to doctor appointments so I really have no reason to have a car. It is just an expense that I can't afford right now. Should God provide one fine - if not fine. I am in His hands, and would rather rest there than anywhere else.

The flooring isn't really that badly damaged after all. There are a couple of seams that have curved up a bit but you can't see them unless I point it out. The house is settling though - quite a bit really. I have got to come up with a plan to remedy that before next winter. As well as how to get the floor insulated and the rest of the perimeter closed in outside. We are cosy here though - nice and cozy.

Schoolwork has taken a bit of a nosedive since Shawn left. We normally take off between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I plan our year accordingly so we can enjoy family, holidays, special events without the stress of "we've got to do schoolwork". Other than a day here and there I can't get myself motivated to really get back into it full time. We are reading ALOT since we aren't watching movies (A prayer answered actually) and they are reading alot themselves too. Luke is even making progress with his wight words, so I guess we are accomplishing somethings? I jsut wish I could do "relationship makeover" with the children and I. I find myself constantly wondering how to deal with the way they communicate with each other. Abby generally cries over everything and doesn't say that osmething is bothering her until she explodes. Austin and Joshua push and tend to bully each other and Abby. Mostly they treat Abby like she is inferior. They are making progress there too but !!! So many changes that need to be made.

The boys have been working out their fristrations and anger about all this by digging postholes for our fence. I am amazed! I haven't even gone out with them and they have 3 posts set. Now, these are 9ft long telephone poles sit and tamped into holes that are 3 feet deep!!!! They will need cut off but as they are they weigh alot! I told them "DIG! Have fun!" not realizing they were actually going to build fence! They are awesome.

Abby is anxiously awaiting spring and the return of bugs to our landscape so she can gather some to study. She is not happy that there are no bugs in winter. She did find a tiny spider but it died. NO, we didn't have a funeral, but there were tears. lol

I keep praying about what to do for income. At present child support is barely enough for fixed expenses, none for gas (for the car I don't have! LOL) . I will have $23 dollars left over each week if the support is granted at what he is paying now. Assuming that is all I am awarded then I should be able to survive. I am looking for something to make to bring to farmer's markets in the summer. I know, I won't get rich, barely make anything doing that, but it's something. And it's something that I can stay home with the children to do. The other option is sewing machine repair. I have the mechanical ability to do something like that and I could do it here. There is no one in my town that I am aware of that does it. Of course, all this until I complete my midwifery training and start that adventure!

So anyhow - that's my musing for today. Will post more pics later hopefully. Here is the bathroom. Unfinished, but that follows the theme of the entire house. ;o)

Beauty From Pain

2007-01-04T20:18:00.000-08:00

This was hard day... and I'm sorry for those of you who started off reading this blog hoping to read about our country life and all the things that entails. This is the season I am in right now and though alot of it has to do with living on less, alot of it also entails the pain of divorce. This song ministered to me SO much today I thought I would share it. I also had a friend and her children stop by for a visit. I love that. SO much.... It was SO refreshing to have someone here. It made it feel a little bit more like home to have loved ones here. I'm rambling - sorry. It was a hard day. Lots of crying, praing, doubting, more crying... you get the idea. lol Anyway, here's the song lycris. PLEASE, no flames, I'm not crazy about this group either but this song really ministered to me.

===============================

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know I'm alive

But I feel like I died

And all that's left is true, except that it's over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made

I try to keep warm but I just grow colder

I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed

I still will remain

After I've cried my last

There'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today

Someday I'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best I can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened

I know that I will when I look back someday

And see how you've brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed

I still will remain

After I've cried my last

There'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today

Someday I'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me

Trying to hold to what I can't see

I forgot how to hope

This night's been so long

I cling to your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has passed

I still will remain

After I've cried my last

There'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today

Someday I'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Diverse Trials

2006-12-26T19:31:00.000-08:00

I read this quote this morning and thought "How true..." tonight it takes on a whole new depth as it was quite a day here.

"How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about (arithmetic) ,

and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe?

How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone,

and narrow to be everything to someone?

No; a woman's function is laborious because it is gigantic,

not because it is minute." ~G.K. Chesterton

On Saturday both our dvd player and clothes dryer quit. I don't know what happened to either of them. They just stopped working. The dryer DID have a funny smell though... So today we had friends come over (after he looked at it on Sunday afternoon) and bring us a new dryer. Not brand new but pretty close. I'm so happy - it's just the kind I had before we sold everything and moved to smeinary for my husabnd a few years back. It even has the alarm that soudns when the cycle is finished. I loved that! New dryer: check.

The dvd player is not really that important except I was doing my workout video on it. I'm going to try to remember the stuff and do it without though. Back on that wagon I go. With the dvd player or without it!

I had to spend a big space of time with my attorney today (I'll spare you the details) sorting things out. That was SO draining. I needed a nap when I was finished. But...

I had to return a few items from our family dinner (held here last evening) and when we got home there was a HUGE amount of water on the floor from the bathroom. I realized that I had put the drain hose in the outlet but not far enough in and after I started the new load it sprayed the entire tub of water onto the floor. And onto our new wood laminate. UGh... I don't know how to get the water out from underneath it. It will most likely cause the laminate to warp to some degree. We put the electric heater blowing along the edge and prayed it won't be too bad.

Then we smelled electrical and the kitchen breaker flipped off. I was barely finished cleaning up the water spill.

I took a look and sure enough we smelled it BADLY in the kitchen. I found the culprit though. My coffee pot has been leaking water when I turn it on each morning, I just tuck a towel underneath and that catches it all, and I had started a fresh pot after I got home today withOUT the towel. Somehow it was causing a short in the coffee pot. As soon as I shut off and unplugged the coffee pot the beaker quit flipping off. And the smell is gone. That smell can be quite unnerving.

I knew the Lord was dealing with me on both the amount of television the children had been watching (I've guiltily used it for babysitting the past few weeks) and the amount of coffee I drink. Guess He solved both problems today! They were watching probably 2-3 movies a week and we don't have satellite or an antennae. That doesn't sound like alot to many people but for us (and Luke especially) it's too much.

The blessing of the day came in the mailbox (thank you Anonymous!) and in the form of a new garden shed. It's in EXCELLENT shape, matches the house and everything. I couldn't have chosen a better one. And it was free, compliments of our mortgage holder. :o) God is good.

We Have A Toilet!!!

2006-12-23T03:53:00.000-08:00

OH man I will NEVER take a shining white, gleaming flushing toilet for granted again. And you shouldn't either! Austin and I laid the tile in the bathroom floor on Tuesday and flushed the toilet for the first time on Wednesday afternoon. It's pretty much been going non-stop since then. Abby asked, "Is it really ok to use? I mean USE?" We had been flushing it just to hear the sound for a while and it seems that she didn't want to be the first one to mess it up. hehehe

I do have a small drip that I have to figure out how to fix. Other than that we're good! I sewed a shower curtain yesterday and matching curtains from a white chennile old bedspread. It's to cute with the fringe hanging down! The color of the walls isn't quite right though... too blue and not enough green. SO that has to be changed eventually. IT's so pratty though with the white trim and the toilet.... oh the toilet...

Ode to a Toilet

Your flush is music to my ears

your water trickling brings on tears

your shining complexion is gleamingly pure

oh toilet, my toilet! of this I am sure

sparkling I'll keep you into the years!!!!

TOILET!!!!

2006-12-16T21:32:00.000-08:00

I hold in my hand and certified, bonifide, official approval letter for our septic system! At last! Talk about red tape. This thing was ridiculous. Just infuriating. I managed to keep my cool ( at least in public) but I am so glad that a shiny toilet is in our very near future I am beside myself with joy! I had honestly given up on it, resigned "to be content in whatever situation I find myself" and all that. I wasn't even thinking about it. We are having Christmas here but a few of the family members were very reluctant to come unless I have my toilet installed. I hope it's done by then but if not, well... if you're too good to use a composting toilet then you've got bigger problems than that you need to work on! IT is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. If one considers what goes in it, does it really matter what the receptacle looks like? :)

God is good.

Baby Dreams

2006-12-16T21:20:00.000-08:00

I had the privilege of being a doula for my sister again this past Wednesday. She gave birth to a beautiful 10 pound and 8 ounce baby boy! He is Samuel Paul and did I mention he is gorgeous? I"m hoping to come up with the money to start my midwife training. I have fallen in love with birth and all it entails - several years ago after my first VBAC. I often think that it's a good thing I didn't discover it until I had my children. I would have probably gone to medical school and become an OBgyn. Ugh. That would have been a waste. I hope to get started though on the midwifery school - that is my dream.

Clean Sweep

2006-12-16T21:08:00.000-08:00

Flooring!!!

The boys and I finished up laying the wood laminate. I don't mind saying that it looks AWESOME! Honestly though, it's not nearly as easy as the commercials make it look. But then that's true of every commercial right?

The boys put in the last few pieces. It took us 3 afternoons all together and boy were we tired afterwards. I was tired BEFORE we were finished though - that's why they are in the picture and I'm not. They finished the task and I wimped out! lol

Falling in Love Again...

2006-12-11T05:42:00.000-08:00

I just had to share - this Sunday after church we had lunch together (some of the families) and one of the moms who I don't know very well yet asked if I could give her a ride to a nearby town. Her husband had an errand to run and it would save them alot of time if I could drop her off at such and such rather than him driving all the way back to get her. Plus I didn't really know my way back without the family I follow there. So I took her to - - - Lowes. And someone bought me a brand new refridgerator (Fridgidare and 22cu.ft) and a brand new stove. Both white, both just what I wanted. Perfect. I was so worried about money yesterday morning but kept hearing the Lord say, "That's small fries! Just wait until you see what I'm doing for you TODAY!" I thought I was going nuts - here I can't make my electric bill yet this month and he has something planned bigger than that?? Well He did. So I wiped my eyes, fought the urge to just stay home and went. The sermon was awesome, another single mother, without her husband for 6 years now and he has since remarried, got up and spoke a bit about suffering. I was so encrouaged. And then the appliances.

I can bake for Christmas... God is so good.... I don't deserve ANY of it. None of His love, none of his mercy. And you know the pastor was talking alot about works and how God's love and mercy isn't dependant on those and I realized I have lived my whole adult life trying to please God. Now that's not wrong, but when I felt like I always felt short? ALWAYS missed the mark? NEVER could make Him happy? There was something totally messed up about that. So I cried through the sermon, repentant and loved up by God Himself, then he blesses me monetarily too. God is so good. I am in awe of his love for me . Why would He love me this much??? I am nothing. I have done nothing for Him, I have nothing to offer Him when it lays in the light of His glory - all of my "accomplishments" (which consist of 4 things: my children, and boy don't get me started on my failings there!) turn to dust in comparison of what He has done for me.

I always knew that works didn't save me (boy that's a hopeless endeavour). I always knew "God so loved..." but I have never felt this love for me - this unconditional, totally attached, He-loves-me-He-loves-me-He-loves-me!! kind of love. I feel like I just dipped my toe in an unending fountain. I can't even begin to understand how much he cares for me. For ME?!?!? For ME!!!!

I'm falling in love again...

December Song

2006-12-02T17:18:00.000-08:00

I sit here tonight with a spring in my step and a song in my heart. It would seem that God is still on the throne! Last Thursday 3 men from our new church (Hope Family Fellowship) came and brought with them everything we need for the upstairs insulation and wiring. They brought it, stayed a full 8 hours then some, and got it finished - ready for sheetrock. I do not have words to express my heart on this. To be in real physical need is in fact, one of the most humbling experiences I can think of. But to have those needs met by the body of Christ is even more so. To realize one’s total unworthiness on one’s own, then to have the God of the Universe - El Shaddai - come down to your rescue… well. Now that’s humbling. To be loved by the Loveliest. How could one have self-esteem issues when the Lover of your soul is God Almighty?

And it’s not the physical needs only that He has made Himself manifest in my life. The emotional wounds, the hurts, the aches… He is that Balm in Gilead and sends His emissaries to carry the potion to heal. When I have lost someone during this trial He has sent someone along to fill in the gap. When I thought I was totally alone, unloved and rejected, He called in the Cavalry to stand at my right side and my left. He has provided food, shelter, new friends… He is one Awesome God.

As it stands now, I am still in need of the funds for an attorney. But my monthly bills are paid in full and before they were due in most cases. We have a TON of food in the house. We are warm. We are loved. I have until December 15th to hire one and respond to his petition or he will be granted the things he put in his “Petition for Dissolution of Marriage”. There are some things in there that aren’t in the best interests of the children at all and I do not feel peace about letting those things go. But… if no funds show up for the attorney by that date then I will do what I have to do. Sign the papers as they are and get on with life.

We have the wood laminate for the downstairs floor - it is so pretty. Regency Oak… yummy. I can’t wait to get it down and mop, mop, mop! Call me crazy but it’s just the way I am. I haven’t been able to mop these floors since we moved in. They are bare wood and I’ve tried but it just doesn’t work. It will be so nice to have clean floors again. Don’t worry - I sweep, and spot clean, but it doesn’t compare to the gleam of a freshly waxed floor!

Our water situation is still in limbo. There has been progress though. We have the overflow pond dug and ready for inspection. We are then ready to drop the lateral lines and septic tank. Then FLUSH!!!! Our dear dear friends the Norris Clan came and have spent so much time here helping out. Cherie is so UP all the time she’s here. I wonder if she takes medication. I asked. She claims she doesn’t. Whew! I can’t barely keep up with her! And he really ought to have a counseling degree. She has been wonderful at being a shoulder to cry on and an encourager. And those boys. Matt - Gordon, Brian, John and Kevin. I love those boys! They WORK! And they are so competent. Bravo Clan Norris. You are heading down the right road. Your fruit is sweet. J And the Dodsons. What would I do without Don and Sherry? Nursing baby #11 and fighting cancer, she is still full of godly edification and encouragement for my mothering.

There have been so many other people that have called and encouraged, that I know are praying, that have dropped by, sent cards, money, notes… I am humbled daily by the outpouring of love towards us by the body of Christ. We love you all.

Jubliee

2006-11-26T04:58:00.000-08:00

The Lord has spoken to my heart like never before since Shawn left. That was true this spring as well, but not so much as now. Then my heart was breaking and He put balm on it. Now he is teaching me - pushing me toward the prize, pulling me closer to Himself. It is wonderful. And terrible all at once. I long for Shawn's arms around me. People ask "Why??!?! After what he has done?!?!" But it is the physical strength of them that I miss. I don't think - can't imagine - my life single forever. There too though, God is faithful.

I have re-done my bedroom nook in whites and creams. It is pretty. I burned our bed and put in a twin size. Just right for me. My cat sleeps with me now. That's sortof pathetic if I think about it very much, but I like her. Did I tell you about Jubliee? I don't think I did! Here's a picture:

She came on my birthday (the 20th of November). I was up all night pretty much, thinking, thinking, praying, reading the Word, praying, crying... and woke up after a doze to make coffee. The Lord gave me this peace and said that this was going to be my "year of jubilee". I didn't know exactly what that meant so I studied it and this is what I found:

Jubilee: a joyful shout or clangour of trumpets, the name of the great semi-centennial festival of the Hebrews. It lasted for a year. During this year the land was to be fallow, and the Israelites were only permitted to gather the spontaneous produce of the fields ( Lev 25:11,12). All landed property during that year reverted to its original owner ( 13-34; 27:16 -24), and all who were slaves were set free ( 25:39 -54), and all debts were remitted. The return of the jubilee year was proclaimed by a blast of trumpets which sounded throughout the land. There is no record in Scripture of the actual observance of this festival, but there are numerous allusions ( Isa 5:7,8,9,10; 61:1,2; Eze 7:12,13; Neh 5:1 -19; 2Ch 36:21) which place it beyond a doubt that it was observed.

The advantages of this institution were manifold. "1. It would prevent the accumulation of land on the part of a few to the detriment of the community at large. 2. It would render it impossible for any one to be born to absolute poverty, since every one had his hereditary land. 3. It would preclude those inequalities which are produced by extremes of riches and poverty, and which make one man domineer over another. 4. It would utterly do away with slavery. 5. It would afford a fresh opportunity to those who were reduced by adverse circumstances to begin again their career of industry in the patrimony which they had temporarily forfeited. 6. It would periodically rectify the disorders which crept into the state in the course of time, preclude the division of the people into nobles and plebeians, and preserve the theocracy inviolate."

So obviously, when the children clamoured in with the "new cat" I clutched onto her and named her "Jubilee".

Ugly Paint

2006-11-23T03:59:00.000-08:00

We have been working like mad on the house. More insulation in the roof as I get the money for it, patching cracks and stuffing more insulation into every little nook and cranny. It gets cold in here. I can't have that. Our little wood pellet stove is cranking out the heat on full blast - to the tune of $4.50 a day. If/when we get the insulation finished it will be about half that amount I"m thinking. Right now most of the heat is going up and out.

My brother in law (God bless him abundantly) has been coming for 2 weeks on his day off to finish the outside of the house. He was about 10 feet up on a ladder when he miss-stepped and fell off. He hurt his "good" ankle (the one sans screws and a metal plate) badly and had to take a couple of days off of work for his trouble. I feel horrible. He was trying to help us out and this happened. My sister has been coming with him and piddling around the house with thier children. It has happened that I have ahd to be gone each Sunday afternoon when they come to work.

I was given funds for paint and I bought paint for my bedroom nook. Oh goodness. It was supposed to be a pretty, neutral beigey color. It is mustard yellow. Dijon mustard yellow. I feel like a hot dog in there. Yuck. I bought a gallon of the cheap off-white at Wal-Mart today ( yeah I know - I'm trying to boycott but the bottom line is a factor these days) hoping it will cover it. If not then I am going to have the world's ugliest bedroom.

The Children:

Austin is not doing so well - he is very angry and short-tempered, yet will not really open up to me either. He is trying to shoulder the load and be the "man of the house". The younger ones don't appreciate that nearly as much as I do. I had an counseling appointment for them last week but it was canceled and the counselor hasn't called back yet to reschedule. He is coping but he is still a child. He needs to be a child not a man yet. God will work it for his good - I know this, but it is hard to see him grow up so fast.

Joshua isn't saying anything - his few comment have revoled around him maintaining that he doesn't have a father anymore. "A real father would not do this. If he divorces you then he divorces me." He is more whiny than usual and has been having some blow-ups at Abby on a fairly consistent basis. Otherwise he's not talking. He is my thinker. He has it figured in his mind and that's how it is.

Abby is veerry depressed. She hasn't wanted to brush her hair or put on clothes in the morning. And I have found her often laying down in her bed crying. Shawn seem oblivious to any of this and maintains they are "doing well". She lays down with me in the afternoons and wants to talk about this. That is good. I figure if she will talk about it with me she'll be alright eventually. And so far she's talking alot about it. She seems so lost though... and cries very easily.

Luke - Oh LUKE... it would take me a thousand pages to explain the setbacks this has caused him. He is wetting his pants CONSTANTLY now, having major meltdowns about once a day, is stemming at every turn, is becoming increasingly aggressive if he doesn't get his way... ugh... he is a full time job all by himself.

At the end of the day - actually BEFORE the end of the day - I am so exhausted mentally that I can barely function. The children need SO much from me. So very much. And I fail everyday and have to seek thier forgiveness. I have tried to have a snuggle fest at the end of each day, just sit and hold them all for awhile before going to sleep. But even that seems to be so hard after handling everything all day. I don't know how long I can do this all alone. We have taken off school since he left - no one could concentrate anyway, but we're going to start back up next Monday. The chldren need to. They are floating and flitting from here to there and that causes alot of anxiety in their little hearts. Their little world has spun off it's axis.

Anyone who reads this, continue to pray. I still need funds for an attorney, and time is running out on that. I have until December 16th to respond to his "petition" or he will be awarded his divorce without my consent or wishes being considered.

Happenings

2006-11-18T18:54:00.000-08:00

I suppose some of you already know, and some of you reeeeally smart people will have figured out that something has been happening or I would have been posting more updates. My husband of almsot 15 years has left the children and I 3 weeks ago. I was served divorce papers yesterday.

So where I go from here I do not know. At this point the papers I was served said that he wanted "the courts to divide the assets equitably to both parties equally" which may or may not mean that I will lose our house. The court could order it sold so as to liquidate the debt. Or I could be awarded the privilege of paying for it on my own. I don't know what will happen next.

I keep on pushing towards the prize. This wasn't a complete surprise so I can't say I am in shock truly. Still, it is hard. It hurts. Horribly.

To remind myself of who I am in Christ, of Who He is to me I made the following signs to post under my windwos on the outside of the house. I pray that will remind me DAILY of the awesome power of God especially in terrible trials such as this.

There are 4 signs in all, one for each of the windows on the front of the house. There is:

El Shaddai - The All Sufficient One

Jehovah-jireh - The LORD will Provide

Jehovah-rapha - The LORD who Heals

Jehovah-tsidkenu - The LORD our Righteousness

I am making one for above the door "As for me and my house...." In so many ways I feel free to worship, serve and love my LORD like I could never do with my husband present in our home. It is hard to explain. I suppose only those who have been here will know what I mean by that. I am crushed, broken, hurt hurt hurt that my marriage is over. It hurts. It is the end of dreams, visions, hopes, plans... but God is still on the throne. I pray He makes Himself manifest to my children and I in this time like no other.

Need to kick it in gear...

2006-10-26T05:26:00.000-07:00

I just have lost my zing this week. Totally. And I'm not sure why? I am depressed again - that kind that makes me want to just sleep and nothing else? You know the drill... after a few days you realize you've been wearing your sleeping sweat pants several days straight and one of your children ask if you lost your brush. Your husband asks if you're alright with that look that says, "You're not alright at ALL." Ugh...

I would attribute it to several things probably. 1) we still have no flooring down and boy am I getting tired of the dirt. No matter how much I sweep or mop the dirt is still here. 2) out sewer system is totally NOT moving and our installer hasn't called to update us on the plans in, oh - about 2 months. Neither will he return our calls. I'm sure he's jsut really busy but still? 3) I had a total sigar binge this weekend with pecan pie. Oh wow was it good. But I've felt like a slug all week. A high price to pay considering I felt the best I have felt in YEARS last week. 4) there are decision that need to be made about church and none are made yet. That is so hard. So we're out of a church right now. We found one that looks really good but it's over an hour away and Shawn says that's too far to drive. It is a long way. 5) Family sitations are no better than they were 6 months ago with no change in sight.

Ugh.... I just want to crawl in bed and stay there with the covers over my face for - oh, maybe a month?

Lean on Jesus

2006-10-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

Shawn wrote this song at work yesterday and came home and played it. By the second time through all 3 of the children had their instruments out and were playing along. It was so wonderful. God gave me the vision to have them playing together with Shawn and I singing a long time ago and it has come to bear fruit. PRaise the Lord!!!
======================

Lean on Jesus
Copyright 2006 Shawn Midkiff

When times and days and seasons come
and you think that you're the only one
walkin' through this life with pain and strife.
When it seems that you're lost your way
and the Lord seems so far away
just remember the Lord is by your side.

CHORUS
Lean on Jesus, Lean on Jesus
for Jesus will be your closest friend
Lean on Jesus, lean on Jesus
For Jesus will be with you 'til the end.

Just remember what Elijah said
to the Lord, "I'm the only one left."
When he was in the cave all alone.
But the Lord God's hand gently came down
"My son you're not the only one found,
for I have 7000 just like you."

CHORUS

Now I know how hard this life can be
and what it's like to raise a family
raising your children to serve Him.
But the first example that they see,
in this life will be you and me
so let us serve the Lord and lean on Him.

CHORUS

Yes when you lean on Jesus you'll make it to the end.

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This is really very very good and I would love to have it recorded. Shawn sings and the children all play. I don't know how or where to go about doing that, but I sure would love to see it done so family history's sake if nothing else. :-)

Blessed Sabbath Rest

2006-10-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

This was, almost by far, the best Sunday we have had as a family in a long time. We woke up and Shawn led us in family devotions around the kitchen table after breakfast (eggs and bacon). The children each read part of the verses and asked questions, gave opinions, interacted. They all commented later in the day how much they enjoyed it. We napped, rested... talked... snuggled... the perfect day for it too as it rained softly for most of the day.

Oh - on the eggs and bacon. I figured out a way to cook breakfast while I am in the shower!!!! I sprayed 2 large jellyroll pans with Pam cooking spray and laid out a pound of bacon on one. On the other I broke 9 eggs (though we could have eaten a dozen because everybody really liked them this way) after spraying it with cooking spray too. I didn't stir them or anything, jsut slated and peppered and put it all in the oven. I baked them both on 375 for about half an hour. And whaalah! Poached eggs (or close) with bacon. No grease spatters either. This will come in handy when I get up at 5am to cook Shawn's breakfast before work.

Last evening we had a wonderful time of fellowship with our friends Shawn & Christine & family in celebration of their son's birthday. There was a medeival theme and we ate taco's with no utensils!!! Too fun!!! The boys were awarded their knights-in-training sheilds after passing the test for chivalry. Too too fun!

I was browsing a blog I visit every so often and came across this article on homemaking. It is a very concise, well-written argument for biblical homekeeping. Check it out.

Homemaking Re-Thought

Crispy Treats

2006-10-11T05:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning, having slept with one eye open all night, to find the pellet stove still plugging away. We installed it yesterday and sat around the fire last night, no TV, I was knitting, Shawn was reading to the children. It was wonderful. I commented something like, "Why can't every evening be like this?" to which Shawn replied, "Umm... 'cause I'd go crazy?" HAhAha! He turned the tv on after the children were in bed to catch the weather.

I went into the kitchen this morning to make coffee and realized we are OUT. Ugh... not fun... so I'm sipping on coffee made from yesterday's grounds (can we saw EW?!). I thought about making pancakes for breakfast but it's too cold in the kitchen. There is just a little bit of insulation left to put up there and the wind is whipping right up and through it. So my toothbrush was FRIGID when I picked it up off of the window sill. Ahh.... I wonder what pioneers did for tooth brushes? I'm judging from the fact that they never showed their teeth in photos that they were probably mostly rotten. yuck. In any case, I'm sure it was colder for them to brush than it is for me. Nice and toasty in the rest of the house.

Hammers

2006-10-10T05:28:00.000-07:00

I always enjoyed hammering and building things and prided myself in only having hit my finger RARELY if ever. Well, it would seem my pride needed a knock-down because I hit my finger yesterday while installed the tin in the shower SO hard I yelled for like 5 minutes. The kids start laughing... if I hadn't yelled I would have said a bad word I'm afraid. Oh Lord how it hurt! It still does! It raised a blood blister on the side and everything. Hope I don't lose my nail. Ouch. I can't touch anything with that thumbnail. It was my left hand though so I hope it doesn't interfere with too much. I couldn't hold the knitting needles yesterday though - yikes. That's bad. I am officially addicted to knitting.

Instead of counting sheep at night I find myself knitting imaginary patterns... it relaxes me so much.

Baking Day

2006-10-10T05:14:00.000-07:00

I have some bread in mind to make today, and I thought I'd make muffins for breakfasts and maybe some Pumpkin Cookies I got the recipe for. I'll post it if it turns out well.

I don't usually read Mother Earth News, but it caught my eye this month so I bought it. This article was a real eye-opener! Why You Don't Need Antibacterial Soap . I knew there was a reason I feel better about my homemade soap floating down my kitchen drain. I know I'll never buy it again. I mean increasing the incidents of "blue baby" syndrome in newborns??? Wow.... I'm using the last of my soap made last summer and I need to make some more. I don't think I"ll scent the batch this time. I got tired of the smell after awhile. Maybe if it was lemon or something I wouldn't mind it but a person can get sick or gardenia month after month. hehehe

The shower is mostly installed now. I lost the little wrench for taking off the faucet handle, which with it on there I cannot install the tin on the wall behind it. GGrrrr.... I know I put it in the toolbox but it has disappeared. I knew I would need it again. I'm thinking it's metric too because none of our wrenches will fit it. Anyhow, it worked really well - no glitches and it looks so COOL! I'll post a picture when it's all done. :o) Votes for what color I should paint the wall above it? The metal is silver of course, and I thought about blue but it will look pretty chilly in there, so then I thought about lavendar or maybe even red - go with a farm theme you know? So anyhow... VOTE!

Don't Ride the Goats

2006-10-09T05:58:00.000-07:00

The children (quite innocently) asked me if the goats could be ridden. I explained that they couldn't - that it is too much work for them and they need their energy for milk-making.

So, only my children would do this right? They not only disobeyed me, but took PICTURES of it! Ugh... I had to laugh when asked why they had done so, they reasoned, "Well... we thought we could just have less milk tomorrow for a ride today. Since the milk is for us you know."

Should have been a bit more explicit I guess.

Bathroom Project & other Ramblings

2006-10-09T05:41:00.001-07:00

We have the shower stall materials now... it is (did you guess?) a very unorthodox material but I saw it on HGTV - does that make it more acceptable? My Dad said it will be like on M*A*S*H* ... took me a minute to get that. hahahaha

We are going to go with a farm theme in the bathroom and chair-rail height down to the floor and inside the shoer stall will be galvanized metal! Barn tin! Oh it looked so cool and all I could think about when I saw it was how easy it will be to clean up "spills" behind the toilet vs. a painted wall! :-) We will trim it out with pine then the upper part of the walls will be... ummm... either lavender or a steely blue color. Don't know yet.

As of now we have plastic hanging from the ceiling in there to form a "shower stall. The only trouble with that (and I never thought I'd have ANY complaints about ANY kind of hot shower after 4 months of cold baths) is that the heat makes the plastic sortof suck in and stick to oneself while showering. Yuck. Then you have to kind of peel it off periodically... it's sortof like showering in a plastic bag. HA! HA! HA! Oh it's too funny.

Still no progres on our sewer system. We are watering our lawn with the shower water now though - no more buckets hallelujah. The last report we got was that the overflow pond woul dhave to be moved probably requiring a PUMP for the sewage then since our land is sloped and where they said it should be moved would mean a pump needing to be installed. Another $1500 or so. NO big deal right?

And our minivan broke down AGAIN Saturday while we were at the building center buying insulation for our VERY cold roof upstairs. The kids requested that I knit them new stocking hats. I commented that it's a bit warm for that isn't it?

"They're for sleeping in Mom!"

Oh...

The Passing of Time

2006-10-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

When the aged learn to lean upon another's arm,
they oft times gasp out in dismay at their impending harm.

And when the aged learn to lean it is often with a fight.
On their own two feet they learned to fly only now to lose that right?

When the aged learn to lean they die a little inside.
Once esteemed and full of life - the loss is too painful to hide.

When the aged learn to lean sometimes the light goes out.
The loss of brilliance, hope and strength leaves them full of doubt.

For when the aged learn to lean it is at no small cost.
Once tall and proud the man sits down feeling all is lost.

God grant grace to us today (for one day we'll learn to lean)
as we fold up and neatly put away our parent's liberty.

We had an episode with my Dad last night. The dr. says he probably has early onset dementia of some sort but we don't know what kind. He is diabetic but doesn't tkae care of himself. He has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, hgh everything that's bad, low everything that's good. The sadness of this kind of illness sometimes overwhelms me. He used to be so strong. So capable. So smart. Now, he calls to ask me mulitplication facts and doesn't recognize tools he once used nor remembers how to use them at all. It is sad... so very sad... death would be easier. Many children of Alzheimer sufferes feel this way. Because the memory of their parents is slowly replaced by the changes the disease causes.

A blue day as I contemplate my own aging, what my children will do when faced with this, my health, changes I need to make, the future. I know Who holds the future but I do not like what might be in store.

Cool Nights

2006-09-28T04:31:00.000-07:00

My goodness it's cold in here! The temp was supposed to be down to 34 last night... I'm not sure it got that cold but it's a frosty 51 in here right now. We have to talk to our financer and ask for an extension on our mortgage so we can buy the rest of the insulation for the room and hook up our pellet stove this weekend. It will probably be fine, if not then we will have to go another week like this.

I am about halfway finished with my knit shawl. It is turning out pretty! I tried my hand at a fancy pattern only to get it wrong and have to pull it all out. So I stuck with the tried and true stripe pattern I came up with knit 5, purl 5, then purling every other row. It makes for a nice pattern and vertical stripes are always a favorite for me! :-) I laid that project aside for a bit this week though to knit up an absolutely delicious little baby hat for a friend. (Hi Lu!) I'm trying to figure out the booties to match now. So I switch between the shawl and the booties. :-)

The children put a couple of things in the fair yesterday. Joshua made his famous chocolate chip cookies for the baking contest, and Abby & Luke entered our Nature Walk collection in the art contest. Austin and Shawn will be singing in the talent show Friday night. I'm so excited for them. Austin isn't nervous at all - I think Shawn is more than he is. I was going to put my bread in (at everyone's insistence) but it was hectic enough trying to get everyone else's thing to the fair on time, in one piece, etc. I barely got supper cooked!

I have alot of work that the garden needs before frost. But I hesitate to work out there with so much to do on the house. So I end up doing nothing. Grrr... I have had errands to run every day this week. Every day! School was bare-bones all week so far, and the laundry is still on the sofa, though folded now. Sigh... not enough hours in my day. We have a dozen laying hens waitin for us so the chicken hosue HAS to be finished soon. It's up, standing there like a skeleton in the backyard waiting for siding.

========================

Update: Austin took 2nd place out of 7 at the Talent Show, Abby & Luke gt a 3rd place ribbon for the Nature Collection, and Joshua didn't place with his cookies. The competition was fierce though and he is practicing for next year.

4 Nails, A Rock and a Pocket Knife

2006-09-25T06:20:00.001-07:00

That's what I found in the bottom of my washing machine today! I am training Joshua to do laundry - he is loving it by the way - and I guess we need a lesson in checking pockets. I think I forgot that part! He is doing fabulous-ly at the job and enjoying being a part of the working of the household. I am constantly amazed at the difference it makes when I assign a child a chore and then PRAISE them for it, making sure they know how important it is, etc. The difference in the quality of work, how often I have to remind them is amazing.

On this note, Abby is learning the kitchen cleanup while at the same time getting some much needed one-on-one with me. She is so lonely some days. I remember the feeling. Wishing I could be in the kitchen with my Mother - working with her, talking to her. She was a Wonder-Woman mother. Never asked for or needed our help in the kitchen. Abby is doing very well, and again with me appreciating her work as part of the greater good here at home she is proving both diligent and happy at her work.

A list of things to do today so I will sign off. It's a Car Day, which means I have a thousand miles to go before dinner time. Ugh. I hate them and would much rather be here puttering around, making bread or cookies, amnswering emails, reading to the children, knitting.... ahhhh . . . . maybe this evening.

Dreamy Days

2006-09-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

I know Shawn gets tired of seeing me so worn out - so tired from working on the hosue all day +taking care of the children + laundry/housekeeping/cooking + schoolwork. I generally appear as a wet dishcloth at the door to greet him. I sometimes gt a glance of myself in a mirror, in a window's reflection and wonder who this old worn out woman is!

And so yesterday I made an exception to my hasty days and made a bit of time just for me. I ran the children outdoors. I didn't use bubbles of course, the old horse trough just makes them stick to the sides. :-) but I had already heated up lots of boiling water on the stovetop so it was just right when I had everything set for my first hot bath since we moved in. As I lay back and closed my eyes to relax a bit I wondered if the old fashioned mothers did the same once in a while, putting out the children while she soaked in a tub just by herself after an especially hard days work. I imagined myself a pioneer mother, out on the plains with no one in sight other than the children and I tucked in an old sheet across all the openings that don't have curtains yet.

The house was gloriously dim and quiet. I could hear the children playing and laughing outside - that was enough "mood music" for me and instantly put a smile on my face. I lay back my head and prayed for renewed strength, for grace for another day, for mercy and forgiveness. Then I prayed for a new vigor in my homemaking and homeschooling. For a new love for my husband that I would reverence and honor him, for everything good and praiseworthy that I have yet to accomplish.

Then I jumped out, dressed in a new crisp skirt and blouse fresh from the clothesline, and finished up the supper fixin's. We had:

sausage patties

baked potatoes

Spanish rice (brown rice with tace seasoning)

carrots

Muffins in the Oven

2006-09-19T05:27:00.000-07:00

HEY all! :-) Guess what? No really - go ahead! Guess! I have an oven! My awesome God showed my awesome husband how to fix our electrical problem so now I have a cook stove and a dryer again! And hot water is only a day away! Woohoo!

Shawn was at work yesterday (he's a barber) and told me last night that he yelled at God. He said, "No Kelly. I yelled. I said, Where are you at? I am desperate here! I can't figure this out on my own! I had to say I was sorry but I really cried out to God." Later that afternoon (very soon after) a guy comes in for a haircut and they do the whole, "What do you do?" conversation. Gues what HE does? He's an electrician! So within about 10 minutes he had figured out our problem and told how to fix it. Within 20 minutes of being home he had the problem fixed and now I have muffins in the oven! :-)

Here is the recipe and a link to an AWESOME selection of muffin recipes. And I have these pans that make them look like donuts when they are baked. Its amaing how many more get eaten when they look like donuts. LOL

BROWN SUGAR OATMEAL MUFFINS
Recipe By : Posted on Prodigy by Susan Argyelan.
Serving Size : 12
Categories : Muffins

1 cup Old-fashioned oats
1 cup Whole-wheat flour
1/2 cup All-purpose flour
2 teaspoons Baking powder
1/2 teaspoon Salt
2 large Eggs
3/4 cup Packed dark brown sugar
3/4 cup Milk
1/4 cup Butter -- melted
Vegetable oil
1 teaspoon Vanilla extract

Heat oven to 400. Grease muffin cups, or use foil or paper baking cups. Thoroughly mix oats, flours, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl. Whisk eggs and brown sugar in another bowl. When smooth, whisk in milk, melted butter, and vanilla. Pour over dry ingredients. Fold in with a rubber spatula, just until dry ingredients are moistened. Scoop the batter into muffin cups. Bake 15 to 25 min., or until springy to the touch in the center. Turn out onto a rack to cool.

HUGE Muffin Recipe Index

Mother of 12

2006-09-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

A Day In the Life of My Best Friend Sherry

Now even though that's the title to this little entry, it is really a bit misleading. I didn't get anywhere near to as much done in a day as she does! Thank the Lord He sends one baby at a time. With hers and mine together I had an even dozen to train up. Whoa... make no mistakes. I "HERDED" them. NO training was implemented!

First of all Sherry, let me just say that while you are waiting for your children and husband to "rise up and call you blessed" I want to do it. You are quite a woman. I knew that but now I KNOW that! :-) Your older children are bearing much fruit. I put the boys on vacation mode when I got here and tried to do their chores (HA!) and take care of the baby. I think they got about 12 hours of vacation before I had to cry out for HELP!!! lol They were great - all asking if there was anything they could do to help before they headed outdoors to play or into the family room to play a video. It was awesome.

Ladies from Sherry and Don's church called and bragged on her children - I said, "I know!" They then asked me, "How are you managing?" I answered, "I'm fine. Sherry taught me the good stuff about child training."

Before Sherry I had never heard of Michael Pearl, tomato staking, or discipling children. I heard her talk about "having her children's hearts" and I was clueless. I hadn't heard the term "train up" outside of Bible devotions and I had no idea how to implement nor what blessing were to be had if I would obey. I didn't know God was really in control of conception, childbirth and postpartum healing, I didn't know any of this! I had a love for herbal medicine but didn't realize you could really USE it sans the "emergency" stuff that comes up. I didn't know! I had never met anyone who handed out tracts at the grocery store nor anyone who taught their children to do the same. I had never heard of courtship or alternatives to dating. I had a surface knowledge of submission but not a working one.

It's amazing hwo much ignorance I was living in before the Lord sent Sherry to our friend Don. I often think, "God sent Sherry to Missouri for me as much as He sent her here for Don!"

And so being here for her while she went in for surgery to remove a tumor on her thyroid has been SUCH a blessing. And I mean that. I have heard the Lord speak despite being busier than I have ever been with children. He has renewed my love for my children, encouraged me to "redeem the time" and make my house (physically and spiritually) ready to receive more blessings when He sends them.

I had better stop, not because she will get a big head over my gushing, but because I'm tearing up and there is still laundry to do. :-) I love you much sister. Thank you for all you are in my life and every life you touch. Your light shines bright my friend.
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P.S. Sherry's tumor was benign and they were able to leave enough of her thyroid to maintain normal functioning. God is So good.

Bright Spots in My Day

2006-09-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

A Tiger brought me a flower for my hair today. :-)

"It's for your hair." Luke says, so here it is:

Then later "Look Mom! The clothesline attacked us!" lol Gotta love it.

Then there's Abby - always making something pretty. Here you have Mrs. Thistlehead and Mr. Thistlehead with their children all dressed for church. :-)

1st Corinthians 10:13

2006-09-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

My country quest here has been fabulous for my hair. (Can you tell I'm trying to find the good in this situation? LOL) No hot water or heating elements on it since May. Wowzer what shine I have. Unbelievable. I have a few split ends that I"m going to snip off today if I get a chance. This is the healthiest my hair has ever been. I wash it about once a week now and NO heat of any kind has touched it. That's all I can attribute it to. I've been crocheting little thingys for Abby and mine's hair. A little flower is my favorite then I chain stitched onto both sides on the back so it would tie around a ponytail. Cute. On Abby anyway. I probably look like Mama Cass in it. :-P

I need to start walking. The boys measured and mowed a path for me in the back "yard" (2 acres). I have to go around X many times to make a mile. I just can't take any time for myself! I'm a nut lately. Just can't make myself take any time to take care of me. Shawn finally commented on my hairy legs... I knew that was coming but who has the time or inclination to linger in a cold tub of water long enough to shave one's legs??? LOL Outside?

We brought the tub inside last night and used it that way. I had syrupy dreams of soaking in a hot tub last night while Shawn watched the news... NOT. I finally quit pouring in boiling tubs of water at 10:30 and gave up. It was not even TEPID. Disappointing but oh well.

We got the news from the county about our sewer system. The overflow pond has been dug 27 feet too close to the road and we have to move it. That means another $400 for the dozer man. Then because it has to be moved UPHILL we will have to PUMP our sewage into the pond and that pump costs $1200. Ain't gonna happen anytime soon. The guy knows we are dumping our gray water (tub, kitchen sink, etc) on the yard and he's fine with that for now so we are considering a real-live outhouse for winter and hooking up the shower, hot water, etc. inside the house and letting it drain to the east side of the yard. I have planted trees there in my mind so it would be good for them! LOL

We honestly don't know what to do. We have made a committment not to go into anymore debt but this seems to be bigger than our meager finances can handle. If our NERVES can then we could wait until spring to do it, saving bits here and there and using some of our income tax refund to cover it. Then there is the min-van. It broke down again. THis time it's the transmission and something else, plus the oil pan is leaking. It never ends! My life verse lately has become,

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is

common to man: but God [is] faithful, who will not suffer

you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the

temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear [it].

1 Corinthians 10:13

The [it] here being rather extreme it seems to me. But then, I've always been the type to get into scrapes of one kind or another based on convictions. *sigh* And I'm not sure if composting toilets and cold outdoors baths are "common" to any men or women I have personally known but oh well. I get the point. :-) God has proven Himself faithful time and time again. Why should I worry? I ask myself this question on a daily basis now:

What impact does this present "trial" have on eternity?

Then if it doesn't, and most of them don't... I hit the "I Don't Care" button that my friend Cindy M. gave me and shrug it off. That's getting down to brass tacks as my Grandma would put it.

HomeMakers Manual

2006-09-07T11:27:00.000-07:00

I named it this because, well... I have to admit that I don't know exactly what I'm doing in the homemaking department. I need a manual!! With babies around I had that for an excuse (not!) but now well. I have to face the music. I'm a terrible housekeeper. Since we moved in here it just seems like the place is ALWAYS messy. I forgot how much dirtier it is to live in the country. UGH...

I did get the notebook put together though! It looks so pretty!

There are several verses on the front to remind me of what my goal is, what I'm shooting for. They include Proverbs 31:26-30, Proverbs 29:15, Hebrews 13:5, Proverbs 31:11, and on the spine is my LIFE verse: Isaiah 58:11,12.

In my "Good Wife" section I have printed this from Charity Gospel Ministry. This was the most concise, condensed, straight forward description of a godly wife that I have ever ran across. It doesn't take a whole book to get the idea. I love it! I've included it here in hopes of it ministering to another wife who struggles. If you DON'T struggle then please, EMAIL ME! lol
--------------------------------------

The Hidden Woman
by Bro.Denny Kenaston
A transcribed
sermon

Many times women write me letters. They hear the tapes and they say, "Oh Brother Denny, I want this. How can I help my husband? He´s not tuned into the responsibilities of all these things." I want to take some time and answer that question. If you want to change your husband, that is probably a selfish motive. Sometimes ladies do write me letters and I can sense it when I read between the lines. That´s really what they´re after. They are thinking, I´m sick
of this guy and please help me get him changed. No, I cannot tell you how you can get him changed. But if you want to know how you can be an encouragement to that man in the way that he needs to go - that I can tell you. God does not bless sanctified manipulation, sisters. Write that one down.

I want to show you how you can encourage your husband so that God will make
him a godly man. Let´s look at the power of reverence. Reverence is one of the
most powerful, most motivating, most effectual qualities in human relationships there are, when it flows from a woman to a man, or even when it flows from a man to a man. Let´s look at the word reverence. I´m going to give you the definition from Webster´s 1828 Dictionary which is a bit shocking. The first word, which is usually the most definitive, is the word fear. That causes the modern woman to cry out in opposition, "Fear? I´m not going to fear my husband!" Fear, mingled with respect and affection. I´m going to go down the list and look at all the definitions for the word reverence. What I have done is drawn out words out of the Amplified (paraphrased) Bible. Then I went to the Webster´s 1828 Dictionary, and looked up each one of those words. So, how can I reverence my husband? Ephesians 5:22 says, "See that the wife reverence her husband." Now, this is what reverence means. 1) To yield or surrender to the power, will, or authority of another. The word is deeper than the work "obey." The command to obey can be done as an outward thing. The word submit requires an inward attitude of surrender with obedience. And that´s what God is after. Submit to him.

Next, notice him. It means to observe with the eye, and consider with the mind. The act by which we gain knowledge of somebody - in other words, real interested focus. Dear sisters, turn your eyes upon your husband with attentive
interest in what he is doing. He should feel your interested eyes looking at him while he is around. Notice him, regard him - it means to give a focused attention to consider seriously. That view of mind that springs from high value.

Regard him. This is so important, sisters, in reference to when your husband speaks. Do you want him to be a leader? Quiet down, look attentively with a genuine value in what he says. He will talk more, he will lead more, he will rise up to his responsibilities and do.

The next one . . . honor him. To honor is, any expression of respect, or high estimation by words or actions; to adorn, ornament, or decorate. It is the same word used when referring to honoring the king. Dear sisters, adorn your husband with expressions of respect by word and action. You will never be sorry that you did.

Next, prefer him. The word prefer means to bear or carry in advance; to consider one to better than you are. In practical language it means to place his desires, his opinions, and his ideas ahead of yours. You can´t imagine the confidence that this builds in a man. When he senses from the depth of your heart that you are more interested in what he thinks than what you think. Man . . . let him go. He´ll be so fired up for what he´s suppose to do! If he senses that coming out of your heart . . . prefer him.

Venerate him - to give him much worth; to respect and to worship. I know you´re not suppose to worship your husbands (because only God deserves this). But when a man senses that his wife values him and what he does and what he says, this affects his leadership ability tremendously. Tremendously, you can´t imagine!

Esteem him - to prize, to set a high value on someone, to have a high opinion of someone, to give a high place of honor - that´s esteem.

Defer to him - it means to yield to another´s opinion or judgement because of respect and honor. This is the most beautiful quality of character for a wife to have. She can display this confidence builder often as there are lots of opinions in marriage, aren´t there.

The next one - praise him; to prize or value with words; to lift another with praise, and words of gratitude. This word is a good practical outward expression of many of the attitudes I´ve already listed here. Praise is fuel on the fire of your husband´s heart! Don´t doubt it, sisters! That guy will do things he never dreamed he would do.

Love him - it means to love him. This means a prompt, free, willing desire for somebody; to be pleased with and regard with strong affection; ardent fellowship springing from high esteem; and a word of endearment. The love of a woman, without question, is the strongest motivation in a man´s life. It can cause him to do and be way beyond whatever thought he would do or be. If you question that, you just look at the love of a man for a woman who he is seeking
her (and desiring to marry her), look at what that fellow will go through. He´ll go through anything! Don´t forget that, dear sister. He´ll go through anything for her.

And lastly, admire him exceedingly. Reverence means to admire him exceedingly; to hold up, to stop and behold with wonder; to regard with strong affection; a pleasant respect with wonder. That´s what that word means. Ephesians 5:33 say, "And see that the wife reverence her husband."

Beloved sisters in Jesus Christ, this is quite a list of words to consider. There are three ways you can respond to this list you have been given. Let me give them to you: Number one - you can be careless and indifferent and just pass it off with little interest. Number two - you can be overwhelmed by it a give up in discouragement. And number three - you can be stirred and motivated and convicted by it, and rise up in faith with a will to do what God has said. And I pray that you will do the latter, with vision and with purpose in your heart and in your life from this day forward.

(This message is not copyrighted. If you would like to hear the complete series on "The Godly Home" please go to their website at (http://www.charityministies.org./) If you would like a catalog of other tapes, please call 1-800-227-7902. Or write to Charity Gospel Tape Ministry, 400 W. Main Street Suite #1, Ephrata, PA 17522. These tapes are offered by freewill offering to all of God´s people.)

Home Management Binder

2006-09-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

I honestly kept thinking that the house would be done by now (HA!!!) and I could easily pick up my old schedule/rountine where I left it off this spring when we moved in. REality has since taken residence in my mind and I have accepted the fact that my "Summer Project List" would be more amptly called, "The Coming Decade To-Do List". With that in mind I've decided to re-do my Home Management Binder which is sadly out of date anyway and work with what I've got.

I keep thinking of "Managers of Their Homes" by the Maxwell's (http://www.titus2.com)
and how wonderful that would be. The children are BEGGING for me to get a schedule going again. And this time, daily exercise WILL be included in the schedule AND actually DONE. lol So that's my project for the week. The boys are off fishing in the church pond and I'm here with Abby happily printing out my favorite things for the binder.

More later.

The Smell of School

2006-09-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

I kept smelling something awful when I'd walk into my kitchen for the last afternoon but I could NOT for the life of me, figure out what it was. The fridge was clean, we don't have mice... wait a minute. It smells just like a dead mouse. (Do NOT ask me how I know this.) Oh NO! How did a mouse get in my house?!?! And why is it dead? I don't have traps or bait or anything out!

So I set out to figure out where the smell was coming from, if it was indeed a deceased vermin, and then to dispose of it's carcass. Well... and I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I found the dead mouse. Half of it. In a bag on the top of the counter.

You see, a couple of days ago Abby and Joshua were taking thier daily walk and saw a falcon swoop down in front of them and de-capitate a field mouse. Thinking this would be an excellent afternoon project (disecting it that is) they grabbed a paper bag and ran back to scoop it up for further inspection. I said they could of course, then promptly forgot all about it.

So did they.

Until it began to smell.

3 days later.

Ugghhhhh... one of the "perks" of homeschooling. LOL

School Time

2006-09-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

School time this year began "officiallly" 2 weeks ago but I made it easy on the children (and myself) by adding one subject at a time rather than trying to dive into the whole thing at once. We took the summer off starting back in March and it has roven to be almost FATAL to our efforts! My most important piece of advice to new homeschoolers is:

NEVER TAKE THE SUMMER OFF!!!

WE had our hours in by then and wanted to devote time to the house and moving in. Plus SHawn thought it would be too much for me to school while hanging sheetrock, etc. etc. He was right but still.... NEVER TAKE THE SUMMER OFF! lol

So I find myself re-training the children since when we don't do school work they tend to do their own thing as a group and I'm doing my own things and we come togethr for only meals and Bible time, etc. This leaves a lot of "little foxes" un-checked and they spoil our vines of careful child training.

So we are back to work on "Yes ma'am." "No ma'am." Don't hit your brother, don't throw things, pick up after yourself. Ugh.... basics. THis morning, BEFORE 8 AM I had to take up an idea from our friend Christine and assign this as copywork before they could have their breakfast.

I will show love to my brother.

I will keep kindness on my lips.

I will rule my own temple and no one else's.

Each sentence 10 times. THey seem very repentant... and hungry... LOL I've not tried this since AUstin was little so we will see if it works for us.

Sweet Treats

2006-09-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

Here is a really horrible, unhealthy, but extrememly tasty recipe for cookie should you ever find yourself without an oven. I make these VERY sparingly. The recipe doesn't make too many so they don't hang around long to tempt me, but on the days when we're wanting a treat and can't run to the store I make these. Maybe once a month? There is just nothing better than the memory of your mother in her apron making these on a rainy afternoon. Anyhow, enjoy... but not too often. ;-)

NO BAKE CHOCOLATE OATMEAL COOKIES
http://COOKS.COM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2 cups sugar
1 stick butter (1/2 cup)
1/2 cup Pet milk (but I use powdered milk mixed up to this amount)
1 teaspoon vanilla (don't absolutely have to have this either)
2 1/2 tablespoons cocoa
1/2 cup peanut butter
3 cups oats

In a medium saucepan, combine all ingredients except peanut butter and oats and cook over medium heat. Let boil for 5 minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and stir in peanut butter and oats.

Spoon out quickly onto wax paper or aluminum foil. Cookies will harden as they set.

Submitted by: Hilary

Down a bit...

2006-08-30T14:30:00.000-07:00

It would seem that I never get everything done - never. You'd think I would be used to it. But I keep remembering that memory verse from years ago.... "redeem the time for the days are evil" or something like that. My brain is fuzzy these days.

Shawn keeps working on the cook stove. We're not sure if there is something wrong with his wiring or with the stove itself. And the money for an electrician just isn't there so we wait a while, we pray, and Shawn hits on another idea to try to fix the problem. I have learned to cope without a cook stove but with the crisp days we've had lately I do dream of baking again.

I was talking via email with a friend, Cindy... and she mentioned her yard being bare from little feet and a few chickens. She commented that she thought I could probably handle that though if I was to come visit. lol Yeah... around here I call it "landscraping". Little dirt paths going everywhere there is a task to be done. One from the front porch 'round to the clothesline, one through the garden, another to the chicken tractor, one more to the rabbit hutches and milking stand. In my mind I see smooth stones surrounded by sand packed firm leading to our daily chores but until then the "landscraping" will have to do.

We are still waiting to hear from the county about our sewer permit. It's funny, I can dump the kitchen sink water out into my yard or garden, but I can't let it come out of the actual drain legally at the moment... so funny. And infuritating. LOL The guy that does the inspections was here on Friday last and we haven't heard anything yet. He measured and walked the line and such... still nothing. So we wait.

Personally, and I try to keep this just about the "homestead" and not about my personal struggles or victories either for that matter, but personally I have been battling depression lately. The stresses of this year have landed smack-dab on my shoulders and I cannot shake them off. I put on my happy face most of the time but I am not doing well. I've been having migraine headaches for 3 weeks now, about one or 2 a week, with no relief other than waiting them out. The chiropractor says it's stress and that I need to lose weight so my... ummm.... upper body will not pull on my neck and back so much. The medical doctor says it's related to the same but he hands out a bag full of rx's for nerves to "get me through the bad days".

It has been a terribly wonderful year, full of God's workings and close calls. Now that we are on the other side of it though, and this is typical for me, I'm crashing. I have read about the pioneer women going through similar struggles, being alone so much, working so hard, facing difficulties, then when it's all said and done they have nervouse breakdowns and such. LOL Not that I am anywhere near living the life of a true pioneer, but compared to the life we WERE living, it has been quite a change. And I don't think the changes are what has caused the stress but rather my personal timeline being imposed on the project. :-) I feel this should really be done NOW, and that should have honestly been finished a week ago... so that's what needs to change. The move itself has been great. We love it. But I'm going to need to give up my "gotta be done right now" agenda in order to live a "happy" simple life. :-)

So pray for me if you will.

Homeschool Humor

2006-08-18T05:56:00.000-07:00

My cousin sent me this comic yesterday... too funny... too funny.... I have HAD that conversation with my children! LOL Not exactly but VERY close! LOL

Friends

2006-08-17T05:44:00.000-07:00

God is so good... I mean, He NEVER waits too long to send those provisions does He?

Last evening we had the privilege to meet 2 families who are like-minded in SO many ways! It was a cool drink of water. Much like our visit with Chris & Dawn, we laughed, shared some of our testimonies, snacked, prayed a bit, sang together. Oh my... THIS is what we have been longing for! It is so hard to be on the proverbial "deserted island" when you know or hope there ar other survivors out there somewhere!

We were impressed with their children. Not that they were out to do that. Not at all. We felt So comfortable and at ease in the Norris' home! Their older 2 sons were sitting there in a participatory fashion... Gordon shared his tesimony with us and we were just floored. Non eof the children were in a hurry to get outdoors and play, they didn't sit there and sulk like they were being punished to be asked to sit in on a fellowship. There were no hollow-video-game eyes staring back at us. They set up straight, looked us square in the face and SMILED and talked! Teenagers CAN be great! I was beginning to think we had the only one! LOL

The Norris' have 4 sons and we met all but one of them. Their "eldest" has an awesome testimony and he's just 17! He will do great things for the Lord. The Richardson's live about 11 miles from us and we never knew they were there! They have 4 children and are waiting on a visa (I think!) to bring home their Tabitha from Liberia. Abigail & Hannah (the Richardson's oldest daughter who is 9) hit it off immediately. Hannah came up to Abby and introduced herself. She is a sweety! Shawn commented on her being a good wife for someone someday. She is so pretty too!

Shawn and I are on a high this morning... we didn't leave their house until about 11:30 or so and talked all the way home about all of the good things we see and reiterated the fact that fellowship is so lacking in our lives. Their visions are much the same as ours, their homes are set up similarly and from what we can tell they are looking for just we are in a "church".

It is such a blessing to have met these families. Whatever happens from this point on, we have received BLESSINGS from the Lord to have met them all.

Milk & Honey Part 2

2006-08-16T06:45:00.000-07:00

I guess I should explain why I call them "Half-Goats" and why I titled this entry "Milk and HONEY".

Half-Goats: No. They aren't half cow or deer or any other animal. They are 100% goat! They each have only one side that milks so I call them... "Half Goats".

The HONEY part of the title comes from their unexpected arrival. I had a 5 gallon bucket of honey that was almost gone and since I had nothing else to put thier water in I emptied the honey into a quart jar and then rinsed and filled the bucket for water for the Ladies. The water still smells of honey. The children are sure the milk will be sweeter this way. :-)

Milk & Honey

2006-08-16T06:26:00.000-07:00

I often think of our sojourn here in this life as being stationed on a remote outpost. The Man in Charge sends the provision needed, though we don't know when or how or what we'll be getting. Sometimes we are granted a request, but more often the provision comes just when we need it, unexpectedly, without prior knowledge of it's status as "in-route". And often it is not what we were looking for at all. If I ever found myself in this position I'd be dreaming of chocolate and coffee. Headquarters would likely send oatmeal and canned meat! :-)

And so it is that we were granted a new ration of provisions last evening. We were hoping and praying for a goat to milk but didn't have much money so we weren't expecting to find anything already milking. When we did find the one "we wanted" the sale fell through because of some unexpected expenses we had come up. Then, out of nowhere it would seem, the Lord sent 2 goats. Or 2 Half-Goats as I call them.

Luke named them, and as of their first milking this morning, it looks like we'll be getting about a gallon a day total from the both of them. Just right. A bit more and we could make cheese but it looks like Headquarters doesn't think we need cheese at the moment. I'm so thankful for any we get - that makes it taste SO GOOD!

Luke named them. Here he is with Snowbell.

Here is Rosie with Abby.

They are both grade LaManchas (our breed of choice too!) meaning they are LaMancha with unknown ancestry and no registration. That's fine. They tested clean for all known illnesses. The only quirk abot them is that they both have only one milking "side" instead of 2. So it takes 2 goats to get what one normal one would give in terms of amount of milk. It works. And did I mention they are free for us to have until spring and if we want them them they are VERY cheap? We hope to have our registered LaMancha's by then but until then the milk is GOOD. Luke couldn't even wait for it to get cold before drinking his first glass, foam and all. :-)

God is good.

Milk & Migraines

2006-08-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

I had a terrible migraine headache (I think it was anyway) that started on Thursday night. We have no insurance so I kept it to myself and am still suffering from it somewhat. It's better, but not gone yet by any means.

So I have to tell you all about my weekend. I still have this headache and fuzzy-brain and Shawn is getting really concerned and so he says, "We are going to find you a milk goat this weekend if it's the last thing I do." He has that look on his face you know, that says this and he sets out to do it if he can at all.
You know me, all I ever wanted in the world was to have a milk goat again. So I found on the internet for $200 but she's not milked yet so we'd have to wait until spring for milk and that's really way more than we can afford anyway. He had a friend of his looking and he found one 3 hours drive away. So he loads me and Austin and Luke up in the minivan (he took out the back seat to put the goat in there so we had to leave JOshua and ABby with my mom). We get there, this guy knows we are coming and after 3.5 hours we find the place (typical goat farm) LOL and the goats are not penned up and they are WILD. Think "gazelles". There is no way I could tame one of those things. I could and did when I was 20 but I ain't 20 anymore! Shawn is ticked off because the guy failed to tell him this.. I mean we couldn't get within 50 feet of them!

We drive home, ice on my forhead to help the headache and no goat in the back seat. We get home and go to bed, then yesterday he goes to work and tells me to go see the chiropractor so I took him to work and dropped him off. He also says to find out what it would cost to get me new glasses which we know I need and we're thinking that might be causing the headaches. I got kindof testy with the optometrists office because Shawn bought me new glasses back in February and the rx was never right so, seeing as how you-know-what broke loose here between March and May I never went back to have it fixed. Anyway, they agreed to give me new ones and when I got all said and done, she fixed me up with 2 new pairs (in case I lose one) new frames, everything. Not one red cent!!!!!

I get done at the eye doctor and go to the chiropractor. NO relief and he's concerned I had some sort of mini stroke or something because of my symptoms and makes me promise to go to the ER if anything like that happens again. At this point there isn't anything the could do for me anyway so I'm taking precautions and taking aspirin, garlic, stuff to help thin my blood just in case.

Anyway, headache is still hurting and Shawn is still convinced if he just finds me a goat I will feel better. ROFLOL. Don't ask! I'm a simple girl! We went to talk to this Amish guy last night about working on our house since it's really high and Shawn will not allow me up there again (I and Austin put on half the roof this spring and it's almost 30 feet up). WOuldn't you know it, there is a pen of milk goats righ there by the driveway he is getting ready to bring to the auction! Shawn asks, trying to figure out if he can get the thing in the minivan if he does buy one for me. We go talk to the guy, Shawn makes me get out, etc. etc. and after about an hour, he GIVES ME 2 dairy goats!

He has a goat dairy and these 2 are older and don't give much milk - each only has one side that milks - he GIVES Them to me! 2!!!! So I have free milk, and you know, my headache IS better this morning.

ROFLOL... God is good. Before I fell asleep in Shawn's arms last night I said, "All I need in life is you beside me, my children in the yard playing, a goat to milk, and an occasional trip to the bookstore."

One of my Favorite Things

2006-08-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy! Yesterday Austin cut the boards and I painted away and by last night we had a new kitchen pantry cabinet for holding... (drumroll please)...

GLASS JARS full of dry goods!!! :-)

This winter I am going to sew jar toppers for the jars, and add crown molding to the top as soon as our ceiling sheetrock is in. I'm a happy "camper".

Austin's Graduation

2006-08-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

Saturday night, August 5th 2006, our oldest son Austin officially graduated from the 8th grade! We are so proud of him. The evening's program was as follows:

Opening song by Kelly's sisters and mother called "That's Just What He Is" sung accapella and beautifully so!Mandy Webster (aunt), Amy Guinn (aunt), Stacey Hedglin (aunt), and Cheryl Hibner (grandma) This is one of Austin's favorite songs. Aunt Amy said a few words about how sweet and tender of a heart the Lord has given Austin and how proud she is of him.

Then Austin and Joshua played "Unclouded Day" and Shawn (Dad) and Kelly (mom) sang.

Shawn then led everyone in prayer and thanked them all for coming.

Abby then played the song "Light of The World" on her violin.

Austin played a song on his guitar by Serene and Pearl (of Above Rubies) called "Child of Mine". Kelly (mom) sang and cried. This song sums up why I (Kelly) homeschool. This is the cry of my heart, the thing that keeps me going day after day.

Oh child of mine, the giver of life has given you to me...
oh child of mine the pages of your life we're yet read
and there's only so much I can do with the tiny gifts in my life
to lead you to the one who loves you like no other

CHORUS
Seek Him and find Him, fall fervently in love with Jesus
trust Him, and serve him, live every breath for what He teaches
Then He'll be close when I'm no longer there. That's your mother's prayer.

Oh child of mine, there are so many beautiful dreams I have for you
but oh child of mine, my greatest desire is that you would know the truth
Whatever you be, maybe a poet or a teacher or a king
will all be in vain, unless you're friends with One who died on the tree

CHORUS repeat

Then Shawn gave a few words about how he is proud of Austin, how at 13 in biblical times a boy was a man at this age. He used the following Scriptures to challenge Austin to "shew himself a man" in the next few years, and to seek wisdom. He also asked for the Lord to help him be a better father and example of a godly man in the next 13 years than he has been the first 13. I cried some more.

1 Kings 2:1 - 4
Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying, I go the way of all the earth: be thou strong therefore, and shew thyself a man; And keep the charge of the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, to keep his statutes, and his commandments, and his judgments, and his testimonies, as it is written in the law of Moses, that thou mayest prosper in all that thou doest, and whithersoever thou turnest thyself: That the LORD may continue his word which he spake concerning me, saying,

If thy children take heed to their way, to walk before me in truth with

all their heart and with all their soul, there shall not fail thee (said he)

a man on the throne of Israel.

So then Shawn asked for me to come up on stage with him and then Austin to come up too and he presented Austin with his diploma. Group hug. :-) Then Shawn introduced Austin's very first public speech which was as follows:

(Austin typed it so he wouldn't forget anything.

He was SO nervous but it didn't show! He did great!)

Hi everybody... I'd like to thank you all for coming to my graduation.

It's been a busy summer for me. We've been working on our house and trying to get it fixed up, get the upstairs insulated, get the sewer and water hooked up and get the bathroom sheetrocked and trying to get our stove fixed. It's been busy. Have you ever had a cold shower? I mean right out of the hose at night? It's so cold that you just want to scream! This has been the most exciting summer of my entire life. Basically, as Dad would say, "Glorified camping." YEAH!

I've basically had a part-time job this summer. Our yard is 3 and a half acres almost and at one point we had to push mow most of it. Josh and I took turns until noon and then we'd stop for the day and start back up the next morning. I love to mow, but thank you Lord we have a rider now!

It's almost time to start my first year of high school and it will probably be the most exciting one so far. Homeschooling, I think, is a privilege. Not many people homeschool and I appreciate my Mom going through all the trouble of 13 years of training me. Homeschooling is 1000 times more fun than public school because whatever I want to learn about in a day, I can just do it! Like I have as long as I want pretty much to practice my guitar. I've learned alot about building, and learned a little bit about repairing bikes and mowers. To tell you the truth I don't know that much about mowers but I do know to let my Mom and Dad look at a mower before I buy it. I haven't had very good luck with lawnmowers this year.

I know just about everything there is know about rabbits. The most important tip I could share with you, is to make sure they are dead before you go to skin them. But they are great grilled!

I've been thinking alot about my future lately and things I want to do eventually. I heard about a Christian bootcamp in Texas. It's a 9 week program and it's basically like military basic training. At the end of the 9 weeks you have a choice to go into the ALERT academy and I'm giving serious thought to that. I 'm not sure what I want to do as a career yet, but I've been thinking about maybe going into landscape architecture and being a conservation volunteer. It's too bad that I can't haeverythinging my way because if I could then I'd be a landscape architect, a framer, and I'd be a conservationist all at once.

In this year through all the trials and difficulties that have come along the way, my faith has been built and I know more now than ever that I have to trust in the Lord to get through each day.

That's it. Shawn asked a prayer over the refreshments, said thank you again for coming and we dismissed to cake and pop with chips and veggie pizza. A wonderful night we will not soon forget. A "time of remembrance" for all of us.

Another Day, Another Blessing

2006-08-03T05:15:00.000-07:00

I feel like a toddler just walking back into a room where he has thrown a huge fit... and I guess that is just what I did in my last entry. I do apologize. I would take it down but I won't because I don't want to give them impression to anyone that I'm above feeling "ignored" or "childish". Because boy-howdy, I'm NOT above any of those things and more!!! So I'll leave it... and offer my sincere apologies if it is offensive to anyone.

Now on to the blessings! The Lord has been doing SO much for us lately... we got to meet some wonderful "family" on Sunday afternoon. Our very first "internet meeting" of anyone! It was wo wonderful. Dawn and Chris were so hospitable, sweet, we played music and sang together... it was awesome. A breath of cool spring air for us. We left refreshed and encouraged and we needed both.

Tuesday morning the front tire broke off of our big van (the one I drive). Now that doesn't sound like much of a blessing you're thinking... and you're right. It wasn't. The last thing we needed was another mechanics bill! BUT! We called the man who fixed our min-van for 1/3 the price anyone else wanted to do it and in half the time to boot, and he came to the place it was broken and fixed it. For $30!!!!!

Now, the details are that this breakdown occurred just on the edge of the grocery store parking lot! I told the children to PRAY!!! so I could back it up somehow and get it out of the way and wouldn't you know it? I was able to move it just out of the way before the tire fell completely crooked and wouldn't move anymore! God is good! When the mechanic was finished he said it was a really good thing it didn't go out while I was going down the highway. It could have very well TURNED over the van at a high speed!!! And I laughed and said, "It's not a good thing, it's a GOD-THING!" So not only did He preserve us, He provided the money (and not much of it!) to fix the van with 24 hours of it being broken down, AND He provided an opportunity for us to witness to this man!

GOD IS GOOD!!!

In the course of human events...

2006-07-25T04:15:00.000-07:00

It becomes necessary for a family to make drastic changes in order to follow the Lord. Our life, as we now live it, is one of those changes. We are buying our home and will own it in 9 years. No more monthly payments after that. There are many factors that faciliated the decision to move in this quickly, to live this primitively, to do without so many of the modern comforts. Truth be told - and as many others who have chosen a similar path can attest - this decision was among the easiest we have had to make and the hardest to hold onto. This is difficult. I ask myself almost daily now, "What are we trying to prove? Why are we doing this? Why don't I get a job again? I forget..." Indeed I do forget these core issues when I am in the depths of living out this conviction.

Most people don't understand. We have a few well-wishers, fellow pilgrims, but in general people think along these lines:

"Why doesn't she go to work? I mean... they are doing without too much."

"Why would Shawn expect her to do without so many things? Why doesn't he get a second/better job?"

"Those poor kids... they have no choice in the matter."

We live with the threat of DFS being called on us while we wait for our sewer system to be installed, I work my fingers to the bone every day on the house "work" plus try to cook good meals, I keep up on the laundry and hang it all on a clothesline to dry, I keep the garden in shape. This is hard work.

The children do all of the yardwork. The boys mow, trim, rake, spread straw on my garden for me. They haul out the trash from the kitchen, make sure the animals are all taken care of, keep an eye out for stray dogs, Austin babysits for us if we need to get supplies that won't fit in the van with the children. Abby takes care of the trash in the yard and cleans out the van. Luke turns the water hose on and off 20 times a day.

And Shawn... Shawn goes to work each day and lives with the guilt that he is in air-conditioning and we are not. He bears the financial burden for all of this while facing ridicule and judgement for doing so. He comes home, content to have us all here together and works on the house every evening. He is settled with the fact that he will probably be working this "part-time job" for several more years. All without pay and without encouragement from anyone but us.

What has happened to the New Testament church? The one that "bears one another's burdens"? I'm not talking about financial help - my Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills, why would I need money from the church? I am talking about a "word in due season". I am talking about encouragement and edification. I am talking about having a local body support such drastic measures at walking out our faith. I am speaking of the Body of Christ. Where is it?

Maybe it is just me. I am depressed, as the world would put it. "People are busy. They can't stop what they are doing to call and see how you all are doing. Get real Kelly." Of course, people are busy. And our lives are flying by at such a speed that we can't even see the scenery. That is one of the reasons that motivated me personally to start down this road. A simpler life. Time to focus on the children and Shawn. Time to spend with the Lord that wasn't rushed or hurried. Now I realize that most people do not have to take such "drastic measures" to get this accomplished. Most people can probably figure all of this out in Suburbia, USA. I could not. I tried. For me, a house in the country with a garden and a few chickesn was part of what soothes me. Being closer to the creation brings me closer to the Creator. And knowing we will be in bonds (debt) for 1/3 the time our other mortgage put us in frees my mind even further.

Wow... this has been a real rant and I didn't mean to go so far with it! WOW! Bless you if you have read this far. Occasionally I feel the need to explain to nay-sayers (and myself) why we are doing this. Again. It helps me stay focused and not be discouraged. So again, thank you. Bless you for reading so much and getting so little out of it.

Cattle on a Thousand Hills

2006-07-19T07:25:00.000-07:00

Well... after losing so much livestock this year, having the front tire fly off of our drive-to-work car (that happened last night), needing so many things for our house still... I have taken the great leap of faith it takes to begin selling on Ebay. I had rotten luck with it a couple years ago when I tried it. Hopefully with some advice from savvy eBay sellers (Hi Dawn!) it will be profitable this time around!

Check it out... bookmark it! Check back often! Hopefully I will add something every week at least.

Our Ebay Store

Chicken Little... and less and less..

2006-07-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

Lost chicks last evening at about sunset. The neighbors dogs were here and apparently during the downpour or shortly thereafter they dug a hole to get their paws into the chicken tractor. We lost 19 altogether. HOw they got so may so fast is beyond me. I don't understand it but that's how many are gone. I spoke with one of the neighbors and he was very apologetic, promised to keep his dog chained while he was gone, etc. Then he turend up later to offer some meat from a recently butchered hog to compensate for the loss of meat. Then AGAIN he came by with offers of concrete blocks and 2x6's to dog-proof the tractor from the other dogs. I'm not quite sure who they belong to but one of them belongs to the lady across the road who has caused us all the trouble with the Health Department. I will not speak to her about her dog. She is crass, ungodly, wickedly vulgar with her language (we can sometimes hear her screaming at her husband from here). I will not expose myself to the abuse I would likely encounter if I confront her about her dogs. Not sure how I will approach it, but I will think of some way of handling the situation.

We are down to about 65 of the 100. They were cheap and I figured on losing alot just because it's the first season, new pens, etc. It still stings though... I had counted them in the freezer for winter already.

An Open Door

2006-07-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

I didn't get a pic of the rabbit shelter up yet but I will tomorrow... hopefully. IN the meantime, the creative flow struck me and I painted the inside of the front door. It's hard to read here but it says,

LOVE - Prov. 10:12 ~ GRACE I John 2:10 ~

MERCY Psalm 136:1 ~ FORGIVENESS PSalm 32:1

Let these be every present here, for we shall all have need of them."

Chess the Hours Away

2006-07-07T07:06:00.000-07:00

The boys and Shawn like to play chess... Abby knows how to set up the pieces now and Luke pretends he is an expert. So, me being the perfectionist that I am, got sick of cruddy old cardboard chess and checker boards and made them a permanent one!

Here is the top of it....

It is made of an old sewing machine cabinet!!! The door swings out in the front and holds the pieces perfectly. And chess is, of course, a very old game - perfect for 1830's living! In the evenings, this is their favorite things to do (other than watch a The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.)

So there you have it. The rabbit hutches are done too - but the white paint inspired me and this project has been rattling around in the back of my brain for long enough.

A Chilling Discovery

2006-07-06T05:59:00.000-07:00

Did you know one can actually develop health problems from taking cold baths under the night sky? Well... at least I heard that from my husband last night. His, ummm... personal property could be severely injured by taking cold baths such as the ones we partake of.

ROFLOL!!!!!
(rolling on floor laughing out loud)

OH my... I laughed and laughed and laughed when he told me that! I am still laughing over it!!! People are starting to get concerned though.

We visited my Dad for the 4th of July and he says into the phone,
"Now don't be offended. Please don't be, I don't mean it this way at all."

I said, "What, Dad?

"Bring clean clothes with you."

At first I was thinking he was embarrased by us but then I thought, 'No it can't be that. We are always clean when we go somewhere...'

He says again real quick while I'm not saying anything, trying to process his request. "I have all the towels you need. Take a hot shower. Please. For me. Cold water gets real old."

ROFLOL!!!! So Shawn and I did. I took my first hot shower in 5 weeks and counting! Well, actually I took a shower, then I drew bath water and took a bath, then I took another shower. :-) A long one. Shawn said he was afraid I was going to revolt and refuse to ever come out.

I am so sorry that my entries of late have been almost soley about bathing and personal hygeine. They say when one falls into desperate times it tries one mental stamina. Uhhh.... yep. Sure does.

I'll post something on a "homesteading" theme this afteroon. We will have out rabbit pen finished so I'll show you a picture of that. But make no mistake. Personal hygeine IS a sigificant part of homesteading. Make no mistake.

June 29, 2006

2006-06-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

Finally got some cabinets up - they don't look bad at all! I love them! I bought the fabric quite a while ago, had the lumber laying around, put a crackle finish on it, pale green underneath then white on top so thru the cracks you see the green barely. It is so pretty. A tiny kitchen but jsut right for me. Keeps me from having too much "JUNK" and "gadgets". I'm a gadget gal and I love to have allthese kitchen tools! I realized when we moved how very little of them I actually ever use. This is MUCH better. Sortof like gastric bypass for my kitchen! LOL

About a week ago, here I am taking a "bath" in the new tub. This time I was fully clothed because of the daylight (hehehehe). The truth is, Shawn pushed in in! Then, since I was there already, I called for the shampoo. I will never take water for granted again! It's a terrible picture of me due to the "floating nature" of some of my body parts PLUS the fact that the sun is in my face and I look like a very fat china-man! LOL Oh well... I am what I am...

June 28, 2006

2006-06-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

Hot here, despite the coolor than usual temperature, it is still hot in the house. I have planned abth this afternoon as we have church tonight after baseball practice. It will be a night out - sortof.

The chicks all survived, but I'm having a bit of an issue with the rabbits. A couple of them seem to have some sort of problem that I can't figure out. Their hair is falling out on their heads and they are losing weight... have consulted the "Rabbit Lady" aka:Jeannie (THANKS Dr. Jeannie!) and she said she'd look into it to see what she could find out.

We got the chicken tractor built and up yesterday. I'll try to post a link. Works great. I might (if I get a minute) post instructions as to how we made it, materials list, etc. Right now, I am sortof fuzzy-brained. I'm pretty sure I have an infection of some sort and am trying my best to treat it naturally with not so much luck so far. SO we'll see how I feel tomorrow. Maybe I"ll get up the instructions then.

June 25, 2006

2006-06-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

Just finished putting 2 cut-up rabbits with a can of mushrooms and 2 cans ofcream of mushroom soup into the crockpot. I would like to add some sherrycooking wine (they say that helps the moisture stay in) but I don't haveany. I'll add onions later - Shawn loves them. This is my first dish withrabbits that isn't fried or just barbequed. We will see how it turns out! Ihave no recipe because although there are load of them on the net, there arevery few that do not call for strange ingredients which I do not have accessto. So neccesity is the mother of invention! :-) Baked potatoes with it, ormaybe fried if I get my stove to working, on the big iron skillet. Greenbeans and fresh salad from the garden... OHHH!!! I'm in heaven!!!!!(Assuming the rabbit dish isn't a wash-out!)

Speaking of stoves, I think we have it wired backwards. I know,,, you allare sitting there horrified probably that we are doing all this high-techstuff ourselves, probably thinking for sure that we're going to burn thehouse down around us. Well, we aren't. If God chooses to let the house burndown then so be it. Otherwise we just do what needs done and pray forwisdom. He has been faithful to provide that as we need it so far. We aren'tbeing stubborn or prideful by doing these things ourselves. Rather it is the only way we can afford for them to be done, and so we keep our hands to theplow and press on.

June 24, 2006

2006-06-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

A nice bath just finished... having clean armpits always inspires me. :-)
I spurged (big time) and bought matching shampoos and conditioner for "brunettes". Now, my husabnd is quick to point out that those shampoos and such are gimmicks. They add shine honey, that's all. The minute you get some build up or shampoo again it's of no use. I don't care. The smell was divine. The reason for buying shampoo and conditioner for "brunettes" is because of my ever-reddening hair. It seems that the more I am outside the more fiery it becomes! Nothing against red-heads (I have one myself), it's just that nothing matches with red hair. My makeup is off-colored, my favorite color pink is a nightmare to try to wear because the freckles that, again, are compliments of the Midwest sunchine, are ever-increasing as well. So I spend an extra dollar or two on shampoo in hopes of toning it down a bit rather than the $10 pr so for a home-job hair color.
Speaking of the smell... it must have been that which drew the June bugs because, well it's June I know but they were all over my head last night. They are fat, sneaky little things and as soon as I would pluck one off I would feel the sticky feet of another one slowly climbing to the top of my wet hair (slathered in conditioner at this point). It must have been the smell of the conditioner because up until now I haven't had a problem at all with them. Oh well...
The weather has been delicious lately. Since Thursday the highs have been in the 80's with nice stiff breezes. It looks like more rain tonight though. Better get to bed early because the kids upstairs with the tin roof right above them (and nothing between) are still frightened half out of their minds from the noise. It is rather loud I'll have to admit. They'll be downstairs lickety-split at the first drops.
I've been thinking of Tasha Tudor lately. I checked out a few of her books and a biography of her life a few years ago and the one thing that really sticks out is her clothes. I am absolutely fascinated with the way she dressed. In case you haven't had the pleasure of getting to know the lovely Tasha Tudor, here is her website: http://www.tashatudorandfamily.com/

She dressed the way you see in these pictures all the time. I wonder when she began to do it? It's one thing for a bit of an excentric woman in her 60's or so to dress this way, but a 30 something woman dressing that way? With 4 kids in tow? I'm not so sure.... lol. People think I'm "QUIRKY" now!!!!! I would seriously love it though. Dressing old fashioned.... long dresses, calico prints.... lace.............

June 22, 2006

2006-06-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

We had a bit of a crisis today with the baby chicks. After their arrival last week we have lost 4, which isn't bad and considering they sent us 12 extra with the 100 chick "Fry Pan Special" we're doing fine. This morning though it was looking like rain and OOPS! I forgot we were low on rabbit feed last night. There wasn't enough left in the barrel so I hollered out for the kdis to come get in the van to run in to the feed store. I told JOshua to cover up the chicks and he could finish their feed and watering when we got back. We got back and he hadn't either covered up the chicks OR the feed barrel. Almost 50 pounds of chick grower ruined, and half the chicks were lying on their backs, their poor, sad feet twitching from hypothermia. Not one to under-react, I cried at the sight of them, sure we would lose the half that were lying semi-concious on the wire brooder floor.

We grabbed a Rubbermaid container (did I ever tell you how much I love Rubbermaid containers?) and put a layer of sawdust in the bottom. In the box and into the hosue they went to twitch under a lamp in hopes of reviving them. I called a friend (My resident "Chicken Lady") and she said it's if-y. They might make it, they might not. Within an hour though they were beginning to gluff up, peck at the sawdust, and we laid to rest only 1.

A big storm has moved in today and I do hope they don't get leaks in the brooder roof. It is less-than satisfactory but the whole thing came about with little advance planning. When we found the special we bought 'em. Lebanon, Missouri - http://www.cacklehatchery.com

June 20, 2006

2006-06-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what we were thinking (my dear hubby wonders everyday!) in trying to do this whole homesteading thing. Of course it is much more primitive than even WE planned, but still... so much work, so little time.
The glitch in the sewer system seems to be handled, but we are still waiting. While I realize that it was a technicality I also realize the abhorable inconvenience of it all. We sent the money almost 2 weeks ago and had heard nothing so I called the state guy to see what the satus of our application was. He told me he had received the money and was waiting for some more forms from us.

WHAT FORMS???????

Oh - haven't you received the forms outlining the method, materials, blah blah blah of your waster water treatment system?

Uh...

NO.

Sigh... so we're still waiting. I am trying very hard to keep things light and not get discouraged but I have come to one firm conclusion. Ma Ingalls would have surely used paper plates if they had been available for $1.50 at Olsen's Mercantile.

June 2, 2006

2006-06-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

I am so angry I could spit. In fact, I might have as a few (blushing now) explitives escaped from the back of my mind to the front of my mouth. The dear lady across the road found it in the best interests of getting us off the land she used to ride her horses to call the Department of Health on our septic system installer. I cannot believe some people would stoop so low. There is absolutely nothing wrong with our system, the installer has a good reputation in the community for many years doing this type of work, he has served on the local water board, etc. etc. This isn't some fly-by-night guy with a pick up and a bobcat trying to earn a bit of extra money. He dug our overflow lagoon and graded it so prettily that I envisioned planting roses around the edge! It looks wonderful! We are forced to believe the "neighbor" (and I use that term losely) simply would like to see us give up and move off.

SO now we have an extra $2000 in fines and permits and different materials to come up with. See, our county only recently passed codes concerning waste water systems for private homes on more than 3 acres. We started our system many months earlier to that new regulation going into effect, so our installer made the decision that we would be "grandfathered in" to the current set of regulations without having to formally comply. The neighbor has raised such a fuss that the local guy at the DOH hinted at it being best to handle it at his level rather than have her go over his head. Ugh... the wheels of the system stink.

May 18, 2006

2006-06-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

2 weeks since our water line was put in and now we're waiting... and waiting. Hope they get here soon. Got alot done on the garden though now that I have water for the seedlings. I have tomatoes, green and hot peppers, green beans and a few herbs. I also put in my pink roses Shawn bought me for Mother's Day beside an arbor leading in to the garden. It is going to be so pretty next year!

May 9, 2006

2006-06-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

We are taking baths in the garden hose now - hallelujah and move over Gabriel! We have running water!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will never again take cool, clear, clean water for granted again. Nor will my children. It is wonderful. NOw, the "showers" are very cold, and we have no where to really hide to take said showers, so Shawn and I just sortof sit on the deck and hose down between gasps from the cold. The kdis on the other hand are in heaven. Abby was bragging to her violin teacher, the sweetest girl but one I"m sure that has never taken a garden hose shower, about how she takes a bath now.

With the biggest grin, she said, "First we get our shoes and socks off and put on swim clothes or something. Then we get the soap and Mom gets the shampoo and stuff and she turns the water on and sprays us down! It's so fun! I don't want to ever take a bathtub bath again!!!"

Umm... can't quite say that honey. It should be long now before we have the septic system in and on then we can have inside showers again. HOT ones.

May 3, 2006

2006-06-28T13:53:00.000-07:00

We have officially moved in! Though there are no outlets or running water yet, most of our things have either been given away, sold or otherwise disposed of so we can live as "lightly" as possible. Shawn has been working on the outlets and light fixtures though, so I think we'll have some modern conveniences soon. I am so proud of him for the work he is doing! He didin't grow up in this lifestyle, and yet is absolutely fearless> He got a book from Home Depot on wiring and has hooked up our main line! From a book! With no help or supervision! Of course, he did have me sit nearby with a 2x4 in case he got electrocuted. I joked that yeah, I'd better do that. We want to have a nice looking body if we have to bury you. hehehehe....

He is reading to the children by kerosene lantern at night... it is so quaint and wonderful. Oh it's not as romantic as it sounds perhaps, but this is a summer our children (and we) will never forget. These are MEMORIES. Golden ones.

September 26, 2005

2006-06-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

Oh my aching back. But woohoo! The beams are screwed into placed (man those are some big dfeck screws! and the floor joists are nailed togeher waiting for placement. A long day but thoroughly satisfying. I had a moment of panic last night in bed. I was tired and achy but generally optimistic when suddenly I was beset with a genuine fear of the hosue falling down around our heads.
Yikes. Shawn's dad made a comment about the way we set the posts in the groun - something to the effect of the hosue falling down in5 years and that we might as well light a mtch to the lumber now... and my dad has made a few comments along the same lines and though he said it a bit mroe subtely than
that I'm sure he fears the same thing.

So last night in bed I had those words thrown back at me - such discouragement, such FEAR. Oh I wanted to just quit and hire someone to come in and do the rest of the flooring./foundation. I was so sure we had done something wrong! BUt Shawn comforted me as only he can, reminding me why we are doing this, we went back over all the decision, why we made them, who we consulted with before making them, the prayers for wisdom and leading,e tc. I was relieved of most of the panicky feelings. Still this morning I can't believe we ever had the nerve to try something like this! IT's sort of that same feeling as the first time I jumped from the high dive into the swimming pool. I was completely convinced of my ability up until the point that my feet hit the bottom of the pool. I was completely struggling for the surface, afraid of breathing water... this whole process has been aleap of faith, just like that.

Not faith in myself or in Shawn, though I have more faith in him than I do myself, but faith in God that he would indeed be true to his word, that, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all me liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." ~ James 1:5

And He has been SO true. Shawn woke up this morning with a solution to a particular part of the foundation building that had us both stumped. That's just SO like GOD! :)
So to back-track a little bit, we started this out more than willing to do the whole 9 yards ourselves but my brothers Adam and Ben are bringing their
construction crew and tools on Saturday to do the actual building of the walls and roof. I don't remember if I had told that part or not. So all we have to do (HA!) is to get the foundation built and ready for walls, have it perfectly square, level, etc. by the time they get there.

I knew it would be hard but I had no idea it would be THIS hard.
Physically yeah, this old mare ain't what she used to be,
but spiritually it has been very trying. Everything we are doing we are doing we are doing unlike everyone else around us does it. There ae plenty of people that have built houses like this mindy ou, but not around here, and we have taken a considerable amount of flack for it. Being in the land of "Show Me" it has been anuphill battle to get anyone to understand what we are doing and WHY we are doing it that way. U g h . . . .

I have some of the cutest pictures of the kids working to post... they are just priceless. Yesterday Joshua asked me if he could get started building his chicken house. He is not quite yet 8 years old mind you, but he had been watching intently so I figured it would give him something to do while we worked on the decking (something he couldn't help with). So I look over and he has the level on the post he is putting into the hole he dug in the ground. He nails the prop boards onto the post then proceeds to tamp it in just like we did. :) And then he comes over and says he need sto know how to figure out where to put the 2nd hole! I was shocked! He had it perfectly tamped in and level when I checked it! So I showed him how to stake out for the 2nd corner post and he had it put in before we finished for the night. WOW.

And Abby, while we were working, she found a small mullein plant and dug it up and planted it in the corner of the garden, giving it a drink from the coolor, etc. and prouldy went of searching for more "wild weed medicine plants". WOW!

Luke was buys busy BUSY in the dirt pile, alternately picking up sticks for the bon fire we're having on Saturday night... and Austin. Well, we simply couldn't have done this without his help.

Not even close. He is SO strong and capable it amazes me. Even with fibromyalgia, he never gives up or wants to quit. He was picking up 2x10x12 ft. floor joists running them over to where they needed to be!
D o u b l e W O W ! : )

We have such great kids... thank God for His many blessings...

September 30, 2005

2006-06-28T13:16:00.000-07:00

This is judgement day for our foundation. Adam came and took a look and found a few things that need corrected. BEFORE the crew gets here tomorrow. Very minor thigns really thoug he gave me a heart attck when he first got here. He shook his head in a "NO " fashion, then walked around the floor, saying aboslutely NOTHING. I was anervous wreck thinking he was going to say that it wasn't good enough, that it wouldn't work and that we wouldn't be able to use it. Whew... when I asked him finally (I couldn't take the suspense) if it looked better or worse than he hoped. "Better. Lots better. No offense sis, but you've never done anything like this before and I didn't know what I'd find."

S u c c e s s ! ! !

With the corrections made now we are thoroughly exhausted, tired and I ***think** ready for tomorrow. Shawn and the boys are sleeping on the land to guard our lumber and supplies. So that means neither of us will get any sleep tonight.

Spetember 23, 2005

2006-06-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! What a week! On Sunday our daughter came down with a abd stomache. Not the flu- that we had last week. She complained of terrible pain in her stomach and so we took her to the ER. NOthing showed up on any of the tests so they sent her home with some med. for gastritis. I hope it works. She is in terrible pain and won't eat.

So obviously we have done no work on the cabin this week, with her being sick ,Shawn being at work (of course). Still the house-raising date is still October 1st!!! There is still alot to do and I"m leaving now to pick the OSB flooring sheets and to take our oldest to physical therapy. Oh my how I long for the days of just staying home and cleaning house. I long for a home cooked meal, to put my apron back on and to fold laundry. yes, even washing dishes (my most dreaded household chore) is looking pretty appealing. We have been gone every day for almost 3 weeks now. WHEW.

October 1, 2005 - Building Day!

2006-06-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

The forecast is calling for rain, and it certainly looks as if it will pour down any minute. It cannot rain today. I kept saying this to myself over and over, yeah, even outloud a few times. The guys arrived at 8:30 am and got started, only find... the lumber company brought the wrong kind of lumber and not enough of it anyhow. And they stated emphatically that they do NOT do Saturday deliveries. "Oh honey!" My dear, sweet darling husband Shawn drove in there and the corrected order was on the sight within an hour. That costs us precious time though and we were noon before the first wall was up.

OH that so was AWESOME! The kids stood transfixed to their little patches of dirt, mouths agape, Shawn and I wept aw we watche dthem raise it up. God is so good. Abby kept saying "Mama! I didn't know cabins were so BIG!"

It does look bigger than it would have been initially too because they ahd to raise the roof pitch even more. You see, in the beginning when I drew up the plans, they called for a 9pitch roofline with just a small loft area in one end. Then we got a few bargains, saved a few pennies here and there and could afford to build an entire 2nd floor. Adam had to correct the roof pitch after they got here. That took some head scratching on their part, more money on ours and again... TIME.

But with the higher roof pitch we will have a big nice room up there with an 8ft.
ceiling, a nice room for the boys - 15 x 27 not just a loft but a full second floor bedroom with bathroom too. :-) That was more than we planned on though and by the end of the day we spent about $600 m ore on the roof steel. Speaking of which, the company we bought it from has been wonderful! But the manager/owner figured the length we needed wrong. So we have $600+ worth of tin that is 3 ft too short.Sigh... that's an expensive mistake. We will find out MOnday if they will trade it in for the right length or if we are going to have to swallow it. "Swalling it" being the temr, Iwe learned, when there is a mistake made in materials. Your fault, my fault, nobody's fault and the own pays for it. It stinks. With the extra "surprise" expense (more than $1000 total) we are not sure how far we are going to get into the finish work before our money runs out. But that's fine. I don't really mind living there while we work on it. In fact, I have always had this secret desire to live "rough" for awhile. Just too see how it was like for our pioneer mothers.

God was merciful and it never did rain more than a dozen drops. NOt even enough to get anything wet. And at the end of the day we have the end walls up
with windows in them. Boy it looks pretty. V e r y n i c e i n d e e d .

All together we will have 1536 square feet. Not bad. :-)

* * * On a personal note... we are so TIRED. We decided yesterday than one really should do construction work everyday or never. This stuff is hard on a fat girl. :-) You just try to convince me that Tylenol isn't a legitimate building expense. Without it I would have been useless! lol A big THANK YOU to the guys that came to help us on Saturday:

My darling brothers (Neither are married but both are spoken for!)
Adam and Ben And their friends who are now ours as well, Jerry, Mike, and our cousin C.C. Without David Jerry's trailer full of tools, Mike's staples
and C.C. offering to buy our tin if they won't replace it, building this house would have been a long and almost impossible task. And to my mom and sisters who
cooked delicious potato soup, homemade bread and brownies for a load of
hungry men. You are wonderful. :-) What would I do without you?

October 2, 2005

2006-06-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

So much was accomplished yesterday but I am a bit disappointed in our work on the foundation. It wasn't our work exactly that has caused the trouble, but hindsight being what it is, I do wish we had used a larger post because of the settling factor. Since putting on the gables ends yesterday, the whouse has settled some - maybe an inch? Which isn't a big deal really considering we are ameterus, but still it would be better if it had not settled at all. So now we have to buy some porch support blocks and level the hosue with them. The other option that would have made a difference was putting a concrete pad at the bottom of the holes before putting and tamping in the posts.

NOw for some updates that I didn't get to before now: on the roofing tin, the company we bought it from is willing to take the short tin as trade in against the rpice of the longer tin (which they cut too short). That amounts to about $200 instead of $600. That's a blessing.

ON the steel beams under the house, those never arrived (thank goodness we hadn't paid for them yet) so we had to use pressure treated 2x10x8's for the beams. That has contributed to the unleveling of the house too because if we had used steel beams the individual posts would have been negated by the weight of the house resting evening on the beams rather than on the beams themselves. (Does that make sense?)

So again, hindsight is a wonderful thing for future decisions, but doesn't change the here and now much at all. There is a bit of a bounce to the house when all the guys were on the 2nd floor owkring. Not a bounce in the floorm but a resonating feeling when someone runs along the top floor. To take that away, someone suggested a 2x4 boards nailed crossways between the piers, like X fashion. That will take the bit of shake factor out of the house.

November 4, 2005

2006-06-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

A whole month alater than I thought and I had hoped to have the roof on 2 weeks ago and the interior plumbing and electrical done by now. Oh well. Such are the plans of mice and men. Instead the guys are coming again on Saturday to put up the rafters and purlins for the tin. Also they will install the remaining windows and doors too. If there is time they will also put up the house wrap too (Tyvek it's called). Adam wasn't too thrilled about putting up that stuff - did dislikes working with it I guess for some reason. ANyway, it has to be done and we can't do it without help.

Updates On the Way!

2006-06-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

Please forgive me, but the next few posts will hopefull get you caught up to date on what's going on here. Just pay attention to the dates in the post title NOT when the blog was posted/published. That should help you keep the timeline straight. Thanks!

2005-09-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

Here is our pier foundation building plan: