My Country Quest

Follow along our journey back to the land. This is where we will record our thoughts, musings and dealings with terrible dragons right here for your viewing pleasure.

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Location: Missouri, United States

Thursday, March 08, 2007

De-Dragoning Me

"Divorce is like death." all the books say. The radio personalities, the pastors, the counselors, the well-meaning friends, the professionals. But it's not. It's worse. It's sortof like walking around a funeral parlor for the rest of your life. The person (in this case the marriage) never gets buried. Yeah, you have a piece of paper that says something neat and tidy like "Dissolution of Marriage effective on this date blah blah blah." But it never really ends. You have given some of the best years of your life to someone who has cast them aside like a McDonald's BigMac wrapper. Those years don't come back.

And the pain of it all is so very real. The failure. The shame. The FAILURE is the worst for me, signaling a VERY real issue I have with PRIDE. I used to say that "Agreeing to a divorce is like saying I don't believe in God anymore. God can do anything. Even save my marriage." The tricky part for me was excepting that He might not. He wants to, His word tells me that, but there is human will involved. No matter how I'd like to lean on the Sovereignty of God for my agenda and say the HE WILL change someone's heart the way I think He should, it just might not happen. God is sovereign. People are not always obedient to the Sovereign. I didn't want to accept that, and I felt I had to take anything that was offered in order not to thwart God's will.

It's ugly. All this is messy, so very UNTIDY. See, I'm the type that likes to make lists. I rarely get to everything on them, occasionally I even lose them and don't get one thing crossed off, but I like to make them. Boy can I make a pretty, neat and tidy, impressive list! Then there is reality. lol

This divorce business was NOT on my list. Shawn had a vasectomy reversal about 18 months ago, trusting God with our family size. I had a LIST!!!! I wanted more children, I wanted a happy husband, I wanted cheerful, well-adjusted, happy and godly children!!! I wanted my house perfectly in order every minute of the day. I wanted to be the perfect "Debi Pearlite" wife and have a husband who adored me...... lol

Do you see a trend here?

I do.

PRIDE goeth before a fall. God is revealing so much pride in my life. And he is methodically "De-dragoning" me, stripping away the layers of self to reveal JESUS more fully. 'Cause He's in there. Down deep. I talk to him everyday so I know He's there. Now if only other's could see Him in me. I hope I am smaller when the experience is over.


Blogger mlpinky said...

I'm sorry you are going through this. My husband left me 10 weeks ago and I feel the same way. I feel like the man I married died. Except every so often someone who looks exactly like him comes to my door for visits with our children. I never plan for this either. I didn't even see it coming. He had an affair, and left to live with her. Was I prideful too? When I really think about it, I guess I was too. Let go of that dream is really, really painful. I'm praying for you, sister.

A Canadian Friend,

6:05 PM  
Blogger agodlyhomemaker said...

oh kelly! you sound like me with the list of the perfect husband and kids. i always strive to be debi pearlite too! lol but i should strive to be the best tami i can be.
know you are always in my prayers and i look to you for encouragement cuz i always find it here :)

6:00 AM  

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