My Country Quest

Follow along our journey back to the land. This is where we will record our thoughts, musings and dealings with terrible dragons right here for your viewing pleasure.

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Location: Missouri, United States

Sunday, November 26, 2006


The Lord has spoken to my heart like never before since Shawn left. That was true this spring as well, but not so much as now. Then my heart was breaking and He put balm on it. Now he is teaching me - pushing me toward the prize, pulling me closer to Himself. It is wonderful. And terrible all at once. I long for Shawn's arms around me. People ask "Why??!?! After what he has done?!?!" But it is the physical strength of them that I miss. I don't think - can't imagine - my life single forever. There too though, God is faithful.

I have re-done my bedroom nook in whites and creams. It is pretty. I burned our bed and put in a twin size. Just right for me. My cat sleeps with me now. That's sortof pathetic if I think about it very much, but I like her. Did I tell you about Jubliee? I don't think I did! Here's a picture:

She came on my birthday (the 20th of November). I was up all night pretty much, thinking, thinking, praying, reading the Word, praying, crying... and woke up after a doze to make coffee. The Lord gave me this peace and said that this was going to be my "year of jubilee". I didn't know exactly what that meant so I studied it and this is what I found:

Jubilee: a joyful shout or clangour of trumpets, the name of the great semi-centennial festival of the Hebrews. It lasted for a year. During this year the land was to be fallow, and the Israelites were only permitted to gather the spontaneous produce of the fields ( Lev 25:11,12). All landed property during that year reverted to its original owner ( 13-34; 27:16-24), and all who were slaves were set free ( 25:39-54), and all debts were remitted. The return of the jubilee year was proclaimed by a blast of trumpets which sounded throughout the land. There is no record in Scripture of the actual observance of this festival, but there are numerous allusions ( Isa 5:7,8,9,10; 61:1,2; Eze 7:12,13; Neh 5:1-19; 2Ch 36:21) which place it beyond a doubt that it was observed.

The advantages of this institution were manifold. "1. It would prevent the accumulation of land on the part of a few to the detriment of the community at large. 2. It would render it impossible for any one to be born to absolute poverty, since every one had his hereditary land. 3. It would preclude those inequalities which are produced by extremes of riches and poverty, and which make one man domineer over another. 4. It would utterly do away with slavery. 5. It would afford a fresh opportunity to those who were reduced by adverse circumstances to begin again their career of industry in the patrimony which they had temporarily forfeited. 6. It would periodically rectify the disorders which crept into the state in the course of time, preclude the division of the people into nobles and plebeians, and preserve the theocracy inviolate."

So obviously, when the children clamoured in with the "new cat" I clutched onto her and named her "Jubilee".

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Ugly Paint

We have been working like mad on the house. More insulation in the roof as I get the money for it, patching cracks and stuffing more insulation into every little nook and cranny. It gets cold in here. I can't have that. Our little wood pellet stove is cranking out the heat on full blast - to the tune of $4.50 a day. If/when we get the insulation finished it will be about half that amount I"m thinking. Right now most of the heat is going up and out.

My brother in law (God bless him abundantly) has been coming for 2 weeks on his day off to finish the outside of the house. He was about 10 feet up on a ladder when he miss-stepped and fell off. He hurt his "good" ankle (the one sans screws and a metal plate) badly and had to take a couple of days off of work for his trouble. I feel horrible. He was trying to help us out and this happened. My sister has been coming with him and piddling around the house with thier children. It has happened that I have ahd to be gone each Sunday afternoon when they come to work.

I was given funds for paint and I bought paint for my bedroom nook. Oh goodness. It was supposed to be a pretty, neutral beigey color. It is mustard yellow. Dijon mustard yellow. I feel like a hot dog in there. Yuck. I bought a gallon of the cheap off-white at Wal-Mart today ( yeah I know - I'm trying to boycott but the bottom line is a factor these days) hoping it will cover it. If not then I am going to have the world's ugliest bedroom.

The Children:

Austin is not doing so well - he is very angry and short-tempered, yet will not really open up to me either. He is trying to shoulder the load and be the "man of the house". The younger ones don't appreciate that nearly as much as I do. I had an counseling appointment for them last week but it was canceled and the counselor hasn't called back yet to reschedule. He is coping but he is still a child. He needs to be a child not a man yet. God will work it for his good - I know this, but it is hard to see him grow up so fast.

Joshua isn't saying anything - his few comment have revoled around him maintaining that he doesn't have a father anymore. "A real father would not do this. If he divorces you then he divorces me." He is more whiny than usual and has been having some blow-ups at Abby on a fairly consistent basis. Otherwise he's not talking. He is my thinker. He has it figured in his mind and that's how it is.

Abby is veerry depressed. She hasn't wanted to brush her hair or put on clothes in the morning. And I have found her often laying down in her bed crying. Shawn seem oblivious to any of this and maintains they are "doing well". She lays down with me in the afternoons and wants to talk about this. That is good. I figure if she will talk about it with me she'll be alright eventually. And so far she's talking alot about it. She seems so lost though... and cries very easily.

Luke - Oh LUKE... it would take me a thousand pages to explain the setbacks this has caused him. He is wetting his pants CONSTANTLY now, having major meltdowns about once a day, is stemming at every turn, is becoming increasingly aggressive if he doesn't get his way... ugh... he is a full time job all by himself.

At the end of the day - actually BEFORE the end of the day - I am so exhausted mentally that I can barely function. The children need SO much from me. So very much. And I fail everyday and have to seek thier forgiveness. I have tried to have a snuggle fest at the end of each day, just sit and hold them all for awhile before going to sleep. But even that seems to be so hard after handling everything all day. I don't know how long I can do this all alone. We have taken off school since he left - no one could concentrate anyway, but we're going to start back up next Monday. The chldren need to. They are floating and flitting from here to there and that causes alot of anxiety in their little hearts. Their little world has spun off it's axis.

Anyone who reads this, continue to pray. I still need funds for an attorney, and time is running out on that. I have until December 16th to respond to his "petition" or he will be awarded his divorce without my consent or wishes being considered.

Saturday, November 18, 2006


I suppose some of you already know, and some of you reeeeally smart people will have figured out that something has been happening or I would have been posting more updates. My husband of almsot 15 years has left the children and I 3 weeks ago. I was served divorce papers yesterday.

So where I go from here I do not know. At this point the papers I was served said that he wanted "the courts to divide the assets equitably to both parties equally" which may or may not mean that I will lose our house. The court could order it sold so as to liquidate the debt. Or I could be awarded the privilege of paying for it on my own. I don't know what will happen next.

I keep on pushing towards the prize. This wasn't a complete surprise so I can't say I am in shock truly. Still, it is hard. It hurts. Horribly.

To remind myself of who I am in Christ, of Who He is to me I made the following signs to post under my windwos on the outside of the house. I pray that will remind me DAILY of the awesome power of God especially in terrible trials such as this.

There are 4 signs in all, one for each of the windows on the front of the house. There is:

El Shaddai - The All Sufficient One

Jehovah-jireh - The LORD will Provide

Jehovah-rapha - The LORD who Heals

Jehovah-tsidkenu - The LORD our Righteousness

I am making one for above the door "As for me and my house...." In so many ways I feel free to worship, serve and love my LORD like I could never do with my husband present in our home. It is hard to explain. I suppose only those who have been here will know what I mean by that. I am crushed, broken, hurt hurt hurt that my marriage is over. It hurts. It is the end of dreams, visions, hopes, plans... but God is still on the throne. I pray He makes Himself manifest to my children and I in this time like no other.