Practicing

If you've never read this book. GET IT... read it. Drink it in, swish it about in your mouth, taste it against the Word, then swallow every drop. Absolutely awesome. "It will change your life." Hate to sound like a New York Time's book reviewer here but it really is a "must-read" if you seek to follow Christ.

The Practice of the Presence of God with Spiritual Maxims

by Brother Lawrence

I'll spare you my blather and give a few quotes:

• "Having found in many books different methods of going to God, and divers practices of the spiritual life, I thought this would serve rather to puzzle me than facilitate what I sought after, which was nothing but how to become wholly God's. This made me resolve to give the all for the all; so after having given myself wholly to God, that He might take away my sin, I renounced, for the Love of Him, everything that was not He, and I began to live as if there was none but He and I in the world."

• "I have quitted all forms of devotion and set prayers but those to which my state obliges me. And I make it my business only to perservere in His holy presence, wherein I keep myself by a single attention, and a general fond regard to God, which I may call an actual presence of God; or, to speak better, an habitual, silent, and secret conversation of the soul with God, which often causes me joys and raptures inwardly, and sometimes also outwardly, so great that I am forced to use means to moderate them and prevent their appearance to others."

• "I say again, let us enter into ourselves. The time presses, there is no room for delay; our souls are at stake. I believe you have taken such effectual measures that you will not be surprised. I commend you for it, it is the one thing neccesary. We must, nevertheless, always work at it, because not to advance in the spiritual life is to go back. But those who have the gale of the Holy Spirit go forward even in sleep. If the vessel of our soul is still tossed with winds and storms, let us awake theLord, who reposes it, and He will quickly calm the sea."

• "I engaged in a religious life only for the love of God, and I have endeavoured to act only for Him; whatever becomes of me, whether I be lost or saved, I will always continue to act purely for the love of God. I shall have this good at least, that till death I shall have done all that is in me to love him."

"At any moment and in any circumstance, the soul that seeks God may find Him, and practice the presence of God."

War Over Me

the demons and the angels
they wage war over me
angel's swords flaming
demon's sharpest darts directed my way

if i ever wondered
how real this god of mine is
i feel His fingertips
as He points the legions away from me

Contradictions

It's so easy to accept what is in our lives. To wake up every morning and take for granted that we are living as Christians just as Christ would have us live. Especially here - our culture herein the Bible-belt has permeated every facet of our lives as women. And it seems odd to me that I never questioned things, never searched the Scriptures, never QUESTIONED. I know why I didn't though - I know now. In my heart I wanted to question but I could not. Because I wasn't ready - it wasn't time. And I didn't search Scripture about alot of things because I was afraid of finding that I would have to swim upstream. And that is tiring. Especially when the life I was already living was UPSTREAM to the world. Being a full-time mom, devoted wife, homeschooling. All of it. But I was afraid of having to swim upstream even among fellow believers. It was frightening to let lose of the shore and I couldn't do it.

There is so much I can't explain, but Christ is doing a BIG work in me. He has barely begun and yet I don't even recognize the old Kelly. I half expect to look in the mirror and see a different person. Blue eyes or something. lol And I don't understand everything He is leading me towards. Some of it seems, at a distance, so at odds with the life I lived before. Out of this knowing, this resolution, this "quest" to serve the Lord with ALL my mind ~ ALL my strength ~ ALL my life, I run into contradictions. And God said that's ok. I'll understand it better by and by. ;)

contradictions

broken asphalt

mylar balloon

bright blue skies

gath'ring gloom

broken promise

matching gold rings

roses and wine

glass shattering

contradictions

pervaid the air

leave them be and

you'll see they're fair

for these and other

unknowns you find

complete the beauty

of the divine

Changes

Please accept this post as a disclaimer. And read what might follow in the days ahead at your own risk. I ambeing challenged on EVERY front. Everything I thought I knew about Jesus has been SO shallow. Sisters, we've been living in a box of our own making. God is bigger than our notions, bigger than our understanding, bigger than we could ever imagine. So from this point on, though the beauty of the mundane will likely show up occasionally, this blog is dedicated to chronicling my journey. My journey, my wide path and narrow way... God's way. So please, before you throw tomatoes or think I've gone completely over the edge promise me 2 things:

1. Read what I write here with an open mind towards the Lord. LET HIM TEACH YOU AS HE IS TEACHING ME.

2. Don't be afraid. If you come across something that can't be explained IT IS OK. Accept it, accept that God is God and you are not. And Don't Be Afraid of breaking out of the boxes you've built around yourself.

So there you go, can't say I didn't warn ya.

Valentine's Day

I keep wondering if somehow, I'm missing something important. It's as if the world is suddenly in technicolor. I woke up this morning, and have been moving about in a bubble of sorts. Just out of reach of reality. Don't worry - the children are safe. lol

But all of the lies I've been living with - all of the lies that I accepted as truth - the lies I EMBRACED about myself, about marriage, about husbands and men and relationships.... all of them are dead.

R.I.P.

And suddenly the harshness of the world I was living in is gone. Reality is that love exists. It is real. Marriage can be SO much more than a cross to bear. Goodness. Though I'm sure there is an element of sacrifice in all marriages, I think that the sacrifie includes bearing one another's burdens. Not bearing both burdens alone.

So I don't know when, or how. But I am whole again and I will never live half a life again. There are hard things still to come I know. And I'm not living in a fantasy world. But there is LIFE to live. An abundant life in Christ. And I'm ready for it.

Bring it on. :o)

Ramblings

Been up for a few hours, lying there on the couch (I sleep there most nights as even the twin size bed is too big and lonely). Praying, I fasted most of yesterday. God is doing big things... I see it, I know it. Yet still I wonder. My faith is SO weak. I think of what the future might or might not hold and I waver.

A lady put this up on the list I'm on yesterday. It really stuck somehow and as I meditated on it, and did my own study, the Lord revealed alot of what will get me through the days.

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."

Proverbs 31:10

"Virtuous in the strongs concordance is defined as : a force, whether of men, means, or other resources. an army, a wealth, a virtue, a strength- able, activity, a band of soldiers, a company, great forces, goods, host, might, power, riches, strength, substance, to train valiantly, valor, war worthy. Notice how none of the meanings that are used to describe the virtuous woman are the frilly, girly, ladylike descriptions that we usually associate with a homemaker! this is a woman who goes into battle for her family and does so with the power of God in front of her, behind her, and in her. this is a woman who calls on her resources that God has given her to protect, fortify, and enrich her family. she knows the world may be against God's principles but she will not let her family fall prey to that. she goes into battle against all the forces that could come against her beloved." ~ tami who is asking for help in applying this to her own life!

I feel the need to plaster this all over the walls of my house. To keep "His words and commandments always before my eyes". I fall prey to doubt and fear so easily. But why? Why? When the Lord of all Creation is at my beck and call? His hand is not shortened that He cannot deliver me. He hears the cries of the innocent. He is my rock and fortress, I will not fear what man may do unto me!!!

But like a child's playground see-saw (do they still have those old-fashioned things?) I go back and forth, sometimes moment by moment in my mind, between victory and utter defeat. What will my Lord do? What is the design He is forming out of this chaos? Because I know, as surely as I am sitting here, that He has a plan. That He will use this mightily.

Wednesday night this week I felt impressed by the Holy Spirit to visit the little country church down the road. We were members and attended there when Luke was born and a year or 2 prior to that. I was welcomed so lovingly and found out that Shawn had contacted a deacon and pastor there to testify on his behalf in our court proceedings. They assured me that they would testify but that the truth wold prevail and not to worry. They offered to pray and fast the days of the court hearings, etc. and to help in any way they could.

My prayer is this, "LORD, make me virtuous. Provide the strength and WISDOM I need to be a force to reckon with for You! Make me all you would have me be!!! Change me!!! Guide me moment by moment as I train my children valiantly and make myself worthy and ready for the WAR that wages around me."

Alot of people wonder, I'm sure, why I haven't tried to find work outside of my home. I've been selling things on ebay, doing what I can here at home, praying for opportunities, being very careful on what money is provided. But the reason I haven't gone out a sought a "job" can be summed up in one sentence:

My calling as mother and keeper at home, my annointing from the Lord, has not changed because the captain of this vessel has jumped ship.

Until HE tells me otherwise I will stay at MY post. My children may have lost a father, but they won't lose a mother too. Not because of anything I do. IF the Lord wills it, then so be it. Sign me up. But until or unless HE does it??? No. I will stay at my post, however weary, destitute and lonely I grow. Lord, give me the strength to do this thing I have worded so prettily. Because it's ugly business. Gorilla warfare. But I have my camo washed and pressed and I am dressed for war today. Help me do so for all the tomorrows that are stacked up for me.

Satuday Morning Update

Goodness, I didn't realize it had been that long since I wrote an update on here! Let me see, what have we been doing...

Abby is better, turned out to be stress related and jsut an infection. We changed the antibiotic and she's fine now. (and drinking lots of kefir to replenish her tummy stuff).

It's winter and I keep thinking that I will have time to knit some more. I have picked up my needles in 2 weeks! I have a wrap for myself that I started last fall that isn't finished yet. At this rate it will be summer before it's finished. Being inside is really yucky... day after day... techinically we could get alot of schoolwork done during this cabin-time, but we spend alot of time squelching fever outbreaks instead of studying. lol Ugh. SPRING!!?!?! Where are you???

I got my first seed catalog in the mail last week so I've been planning my garden in my mind since then. Of course I'll plant too much, the weeds will grow like wildfire, and I won't put by as much as I hope to, but still. It's fun to plan. Our dairy goat kids should arrive in May so we have to get the goat complex finished by then. Err.... of course we'll have to START it before we can finish it.... hhhhmmmm.....

It's s bit cold in here. The east side of the house is still open underneath though so that's why. I haven't had the money to even buy straw bales to stack up there. Straw is really high this year. But I figure only a month more to go and we'll be out of cold weather season. The pellet stove is doing very well but it costs a mint to run. I have to buy a bag at a time sometimes with change from the car's ashtray... lol but we stay warm. God provides.

Speaking of car. It is licensed, insured, bonefide LEGAL to drive and drive it we have been! Lots of errands and counseling apopintments, etc. It so wonderful how we had so few of these things to do when I was without a vehicle and the day I got it back the phone started ringing!!! God is good.

That's all for now, I think. Lots to do before spring, and still, not much I can do UNTIL spring.